


The Making of Foxhill Part II

by Blaumeise



Series: Foxhill [5]
Category: Guns N' Roses
Genre: This is just another "making of" companion piece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:48:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28428813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blaumeise/pseuds/Blaumeise
Summary: I have started working on the sequel, so, as before, here is the process of how it's happening.
Relationships: None
Series: Foxhill [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1980472
Comments: 83
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

So. Here we go again. Foxhill Part II

The last time, keeping this commentary of the writing process was very helpful for me, so it might be a useful tool for the second novel, too. Also: it keeps me accountable and that is a huge point when writing longer fics. 

As always: please don’t take anything written here as set in stone. It’s mainly what goes through my head or stuff found on different writing advice blogs. By learning more and moving forward, my opinions will change, too. This became already clearer to me the last time: at the end of the book, my view of a lot of things had changed. Which is why the last Making Of is now gone. This one isn’t meant for eternity either, once the book is finished. 

As the prequels still keep me busy, here’s a short insight into how they helped me with the new novel: 

1\. Backstories are awesome. Just by really writing out what has happened, there are now quite a few connection points to go back to. New characters are ready to make a cameo in the new book should they be needed. Also, there will be a huge section circling back to the prequels and offering more light into what has happened during Izzy’s absence. 

All in all: backstory rounds out characters. Not everything has to go into the actual novel, but writing it out in snippets like that helps me a lot more than just making a list in some character sheet. But it also takes more time, obviously. On the other hand, it’s more fun. 

2\. Change of the narrative voice, the style, everything. That keeps the whole thing from getting boring. Also, writing 1st person POV is not my forte, and the main thing for me to take away from reading up on it is: hide the I. 

Apparently, what keeps bothering people when reading 1st person POV (and that might also be my issue with it) is the constant ‘I’ because it makes the main character appear too self-absorbed. Like a person who keeps talking about themselves all the time. Soooo, as practice, if you go back and reread this section form the top: there isn’t a single “I” in it. And now I shold probably go back and hide the 'me' and 'my's, too. 

It’s kind of my practice piece. I suppose, some I’s would have made the text more fluent, but often enough it can really be avoided. But now this has to end because it’s freaking exhausting and I’ll go back to being self-absorbed. 

3\. The prequels are awesome practice material in general. I don’t have to think much about plot and structure and keeping everything in line and where to reveal what, but can just concentrate on words and images and language. Playing with images is huge fun and while I certainly overdid it and would not write that flowery in a normal fic, sitting down and really trying to find one image per paragraph, was good practice because it’s definitely not my forte. But, yes, everything is practice and it comes a bit faster now. 

I tend to talk plainly and pretty straight forward (I got downgraded in my final oral test for my microbiology diploma because I explained everything in too simple words. And, look where we are now? Since Covid 19 scientists who can explain complex scientific processes in simple, understandable words are all the rave! I was just ahead of my time). 

Part of why I don’t write images well is worry to slip into purple prose. Or making up totally ridiculous images. I am a very insecure person and always worry that what I do is completely ridiculous and everybody is laughing and I just don’t get it because I’m so totally full of myself and lack the self-reflection to see it. 

It was why I have started posting fics again, simply to do something that makes me deeply uncomfortable. So, using flowery language with lots of metaphors and images leaves me uncomfortable, too, and therefore I will do it more often. 

So, little snippets like that are fun, but also serve a lot of purposes at the same time. 

Anyway. Back to the new novel. There will be spoilers ahead, although at this point only the same type as the blurb on a book cover. 

1\. Preparations: 

I started yesterday evening. I had exactly two ideas so far: the first scene, and the main idea that I wanted to somehow circle back to Izzy’s past by somebody showing up who has history with Izzy, but none of the others, and thus forcing Izzy to relay another part of his shady past. One he would rather keep to himself. And which might bring conflict with the others. 

That was all. I had no idea regarding plot, the kind of case they would be facing, what type of evil force the villain was supposed to be, nothing. It was pretty discouraging, I have to say, and after about five minutes I thought, OK, there won’t be a sequel. 

Then I started typing out questions, like “who is this person from his past, how did they meet, what was their relationship, why are they coming back now?” and just wrote random answers next to them. The answers didn’t even fit together, but that was (at that point) unimportant. 

The first half hour of this was like chewing gum and I wanted to give up, but I realized: practice is everything. I had done this before, I could do it again, and while the start was difficult, about one movie later (I tend to do stuff like that while watching TV in the evening) I had a (very) rough plot line. None that would fully work, but something like a thread to hold on to. 

While taking the dog for a walk, I got an idea about how to complicate the plot. Then at night (I can never sleep when I’m thinking about plots) I came up with the second half and this morning I spent about an hour on getting the rest together. 

Mind you, this won’t be the final plotline, but I do have about 3/4 plus an ending, so enough to get started on. I also realized that spending so much time on plotting the last novel really helped with this one. I was much quicker coming up with diversions, traps, mistakes, problems, etc. I suppose when I have reached number 10 or so, it’ll get easier. 

I briefly considered using a beat sheet, but to be honest, I’m not there yet. (If you’re interested, just google save the cat beat sheet). At the moment I can only imagine it the other way round, taking something, I have finished and comparing it to the beat sheet to see where I might have changed something. For the same reason I’m not able to follow some other writing advice I found regarding how to structure your novel, how to characterize your characters, etc. It’s A LOT. Really. And at the moment it’s too much to get into my brain at the same time. 

But: from previous learning experiences I know, with time you get used to concepts. E.g. my first forays into dog training started when I had this really difficult dog. I read the whole internet, or so it seems, and there was a lot I did not understand, simply because the specific language wasn’t mine yet. As soon as you get serious about anything you will realize that people seem to talk in a secret language, one you’re exempt from, but in the end, this language is highly repetitive and if you just keep reading, you’ll get the hang of it. And then you’ll wonder, what was the big deal about it because, really, it’s a handful of phrases and concepts repeated again and again. 

Regarding writing, I don’t have the hang of this language yet and that makes it very difficult for me to apply more advanced concepts, apart from “don’t use adverbs” and “check your adjectives” and “always use ‘said’ in dialogue and not a million other expressions”. When it comes to complex concepts my reaction is “what?” And then I feel discouraged and wonder how the heck I should do a proper characterization if I don’t even understand the words used in the text that explains how to do one? 

But when I decided I had to get serious about training my crazy dog, I had the same problems and not much later I was explaining the same stuff to other people, up to a point where I decided to make it a living. 

So, take away message: reading advice blogs, articles, etc. can be discouraging, but a tiny little bit will stick to the brain each time you read it, sooooo … I’d give it a try. 

In the middle of plotting, I realized something else: yes, I need a character list. Foxhill is supposed to be a community and there are supposed to be lots of people. I think the prequels carried that idea a lot better than the first book, mainly because Axl, unlike Duff, is a part of that community and as a shop owner, interacts with all those people daily. He knows the gossip, he knows their background, he can roll his eyes over his gossiping customers (while he loves to gossip himself), they owe him favours or he might owe them favours, etc. 

Duff is only growing into that, but as a gregarious person, he should manage. Unlike Izzy, who tends to forget people as soon as they are no longer of interest to him or Slash who, as a cat, prefers to stay away from them right away. 

So, Duff interacting with community members should be more pronounced in this book and for that purpose I should reuse characters I have mentioned before, just to create a déjà vu effect for the reader. And when I thought about that I realized: I’m losing overview over all those mini characters who showed up once somewhere, and I’m seriously afraid I need to reread everything and create a cheat sheet. 

2\. POV

(OMG, yes, I know, not again!) I’m sorry. But I can make it short. As this is a series, I had two options: stick with Duff or switch to another character I would then stick to for the whole book. Tana French did it that way, in case you know her, in case you don’t: I love her. Some people think her plots are weird and drag on and on, but she does characterization as an art form. And all her characters are so, so different from each other, no matter how many novels she writes. You never get the feeling, oh, it’s just person X under another name. 

Several of her novels are written out of the perspective of a side character from a previous novel and the previous main character often shows up as a side character. That’s an interesting concept and for me that would e.g. mean I would have to write the new novel from Kate’s or Lola’s or Willy’s perspective and the other four just happening to come by now and then. But nobody would read that on a fanfiction forum, so I’ll stick with Duff. 

I did briefly consider switching to Izzy, simply because so much is based on his backstory, but on the other hand: Izzy is the shadiest, least reliable character of the four and it’s interesting to keep his motives in the dark and also to never be sure how much of what he tells is true, what is made up and what is only half truth. You get lots of potential for conflict that way. Especially as Duff is so, so honest and straight forward and will have a very hard time to understand how somebody can be the total opposite. 

Axl would be interesting as he would make an awesome unreliable narrator, but I assume, that’s more something for the prequels, especially as unreliable narrator works better for 1st person POV. 

An unreliable narrator means: a person tells us a story, but is heavily biased (or flat our lying or e.g. a child talking about things they don't fully understand and misinterpret, etc. ) and not everything is really that way. E.g. Axl keeps telling us that Izzy is shagging too many women and that they are all running after him in droves. In fact, it’s not that many, but it feels like that to Axl who has (at that point) no love life at all, only one true friend who has left him already once, no prospect of changing anything, and maybe feels a bit threatened and fears that Izzy might leave him again to get married and start his own life and he’ll be lonely again. So every woman flirting with him is one too much and having a few makes him feel like they are everywhere all the time. 

Once he reaches the timepoint of the novels it’s not such a problem anymore because of Slash and he can see the fun of women still having their hopes up that Izzy might give up his eternal bachelor ways because he has finally understood that it won’t happen. And pushing him at Duff also means he anchors Izzy at his own house at least for a while longer. 

But, Axl is not really aware of this line of thinking, so he just condenses it all down to “there are too many women in Izzy’s life” and “Duff is good for Izzy and I only have his best interests at heart.”

And I know, I didn’t manage to show this yet. But I’ll try to bring it up somehow in the next novel. 

So, to make things short: Duff can play reader insert again and try to unravel Izzy’s secrets. 

Yep. And that’s all I have so far. I try to not start writing right away, but let it sit for another week or so, mainly because I really, really need to do taxes and year-end-bookkeeping first.


	2. Chapter 2

**Some additional information about sex during Victorian times:**

In case you were wondering about Axl’s weird hang-ups regarding female anatomy: I’m not exaggerating. 

Victorian women were often enough not educated about sex at all. And I mean: at all. It was very well possible that a woman went to her wedding night without the slightest idea about what was going to happen. Trauma galore. 

It was also very well possible that a woman might give birth for the first time and have no idea how this was going to go down. I don’t even want to think about that. 

And it’s not only that knowledge was kept away from them, it was also a matter of pride for a woman to know as little about her own body as possible. 

There was also this weird idea that women do not feel sexual arousal. Not surprising if you look above. I don’t think the whole set up was made for joyful sexual activities. 

Another interesting aspect is female anatomy. I did some research on what was scientifically described when and found out: stuff got lost around the end of the 19th century. One example: 

1860 the first version of Gray’s Anatomy was published in GB. The clitoris was mentioned for the first time in the version of 1887 and pictured as it is in real life. The version of 1901 pictures it as something barely not there and by 1913 the clitoris was gone. 

A body part that had been depicted in one of the most important anatomy books was simply scratched. Female anatomy was only of interest if it was relevant for childbearing. If not, who cared about it? 

Between 1700 – 1800 you find a lot more scientific texts about female arousal than afterwards, meaning: it’s not that it wasn’t known, but it was either considered unimportant or deliberately eradicated. 

The funniest thing is that around 1560 two guys got into a quarrel about who of them discovered the clitoris. I’m pretty sure there were some women before them who had found out that it existed, but, hey, if it’s not a man, it doesn’t count. And it’s a bit shocking that it really took until 1560. 

Add that there was pretty much no privacy (no ordinary teenager will have had their own room), bathrooms didn’t exist, you usually had your bath in the kitchen or used a washstand in the bedroom, masturbation was problematic, too. If you were caught at it, you got into trouble, and while as a boy you might have had some opportunities to be on your own, for girls that was a lot more difficult. 

Also, I remember tales from my Grandma (born 1904), that bathwater was dyed blue to keep the girls from seeing their naked bodies. So, you were not even allowed to as much as look at yourself while washing. 

So, for Axl, knowing what he does know, is already a lot and if he hadn’t been so adamant to ignore her, Miss Agatha might have told him a bit more, but from an average point of view, he was rather well informed. 

Izzy knowing more than Axl does about female anatomy is not surprising either because he probably spent more time checking out those areas than the average Victorian woman will have done, a) because as a man he was able to and b) because he came from a lower social background, which will have come with fewer restrictions. And as he has this interesting ability to read from somebody’s aura if they are really aroused or not, he will have noticed how to create especially bright sparks. 

To add a tiny bit of writing information: 

The topic of the day is: First Sentences

First sentences are my new hobby. I pulled out dozens of books and looked at their first sentence. I will probably eventually do a “last sentence” review, too, but I’m not there yet. 

Anyway: then I went through the last Foxhill book and looked at the beginning of each chapter, and noticed: boring. Most of the lines could be just as well in the middle of a chapter far too many started either in the morning or with some type of food, meaning: they did nothing but mark a point in time and maybe a place. 

One good advise I found was to consider a scene like a little story in itself, including a beginning and some sort of ending and every book should start with a really good first line. 

There are some lists out there like “100 best first lines” or stuff like that and while it’s debatable if they are really all so great (just like the 100 best guitarists list), there is a lot of inspiration to be found. In the end, not everything speaks to everybody. 

The first sentence should hit you, speak to you, make you want to read the second one. 

Here’s what somehow speaks to me and I wondered: why? 

**It was a pleasure to burn – Fahrenheit 451**

Taken literally, burning is as far from pleasure as it can get. In fact, it’s one of the absolute worst ways to die I can think of. Also, burns are something I cannot stand to read about or see in movies. I’m currently reading a book about a character who happens to sustain heavy burns and while it is not the main story of the book and is not overly important for the plot (it just happens to happen and is now there) it has me short of putting the book away. 

On the other hand, burning for something, might have a slightly different feel to me because of the German meaning. Here "burn for something" means to be absolutely passionate about something you do, e.g. the way Slash feels about guitar playing. I tried to find out if that meaning exists in the same way in English, and it does seem to be not exactly the same, but more burn for a person or something you want, not an activity. So, might be a misinterpretation, but I get two completely opposite feelings when reading one and the same sentence. And that's kind of cool. 

****He was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad – Scaramouche** **

I guess that one speaks to me is because I fully agree with the second half of the sentence, but lack the ability to laugh about it. It mainly drives me nuts. So … I agree. And wished I could take it as lightly. 

**You better not never tell nobody but God – The Colour Purple**

OK, I know the book of course, so the sentence might be more horrific because it makes me think, No! You should tell everybody! And you should fight back! But fact is, if you don’t know the book and read a sentence like that, you know two things at once: a) something horrible happened and b) somebody else tries to swipe it under the carpet. And the instant feeling I get is: No! It also makes me immediately root for the character who is told something like that and makes me wish that at the end of the book they hopefully will be able to tell somebody who is not God. 

**All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way – Anna Karenina**

That’s a concept that is often used. “All” “Everybody”, etc. It states a universal truth and therefore makes you think whether that truth is really so universal. Another example of this is: 

**All children, except one, grow up – Peter Pan**

or 

******It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife - Pride and Prejudice** ** **

>Everybody says that, so it must be true! And right away you think: but there might be exceptions. Or: if it’s “always” like that, why is it this time different?

And then there’s the stuff that just makes me think: I wish I was able to say so much in one single sentence. 

**Ships at a distance have every man’s wish onboard – Their Eyes were Watching God**

That’s somehow a whole book in one single sentence. No, it’s all the stories in the world. I had a whole list of wishes and stories running through my mind when I read it for the first time. It’s just plain beautiful. 

Another way to start a book is to drop the reader right into the middle of the action. That’s often the case in crime stories. Very popular is also the way of using some kind of epilogue from the POV of the murderer or the victim. But I realized what really speaks to me, is sentences like those above. So that’s what I’m playing around with at the moment, not only for the beginning of a fic but also for each chapter. 

Start it with a line that, even if you don’t know what it’s about, don’t know the characters (a bit difficult in fanfiction), you will still be interested in reading on because somehow it has made you curious. 


	3. Chapter 3

OK, new topic. Let’s talk about … stuff the reader doesn’t notice. Because that can be extremely frustrating as a writer. 

This is a bit of a weird topic because unfortunately, once you have started to notice, you can’t really unsee it anymore, so if you are afraid of spoiling your reading experience, maybe don’t read any further. 

There are some things writers tend to obsess about, while readers (at best) don’t realize that it’s there. One of the examples is dialogue tags. 

One of the rules says: if you can use “he/she said” then use “he/she said” and not “explained, mentioned, yelled, berated, accused, laughed” etc. The reason is simple: “said” is invisible to the readers. The others are not. 

This is really, really hard, as a writer because you try to avoid repetitions. So, writing dialogue like.

“Blabla,” Axl said.  
“Blablibalblug,” Izzy said.  
“balblube,” Duff said.  
“Blabalbue,” Slash said.

drives you crazy. There is this deep seated need to exchange ‘saids’ for other words. But the point is, if the dialogue is interesting, the reader will concentrate on the dialogue and not notice the said. I went through some old books and found dialogues where there was a ‘said’ in every second row (e.g. when a discussion involves more than two people). Sometimes it was really like above, four lines in a row and the ‘said’ was even in the same position! I had never noticed before. It was invisible. 

Now, unfortunately, I’m unable to read like that anymore and the ‘said’ jumps out at me, but in fics that are not written by me, it doesn’t bother me. In my own? OMG, I look at it and think: I’ve got to change it, I just have to!” It’s almost physically painful to leave it like that. 

Another invisible thing is body language. Unless you really draw attention to it, these slight descriptions of body language like “he scratched his head”, “he tipped his nose” “his folded his hands” in the middle of a dialogue scene can be written invisible, too. They can also be written very visible, both is possible, but when I just read a book for fun and the storyline without looking for writing style, I realized that I tend to not notice them or at least not keep them consciously in my mind. I have books which I have read a million of time, up to a point that I can cite complete paragraphs, but even if I know the dialogue by heart, these tiny descriptions go unnoticed. 

But I think we still read them subconsciously and they make the characters come alive. Just like we react subconsciously to real body language. Body language is absolutely fascinating. As a dog trainer I had to develop an eye for body language, as dogs tend to communicate almost exclusively that way, and it’s just as the above: once you have seen and understood the concept, you can’t unsee it anymore. It gets so obvious it jumps into the eye. 

Human body language is the same. If you have the chance to just sit around and watch people, e.g. at some family party, at best with people who are not overly fond of each other (work meetings work well, too) that’s fascinating. 

So, body language can make characters in a book seem more real when not written too obvious (I tend to write stuff too obvious whenever I noticed that I should take care of it, but that, I suppose, is part of the learning process: it takes practice to make something appear effortless. At the beginning you just notice how hard somebody is trying to get it right. E.g. compare somebody who just learns to play the guitar, to some 70-year-old blues guitar genius who just seems to brush his hands over the strings while at the same time holding a conversation, laughing about somebody’s joke and checking his mobile phone for messages). 

Which is, why I really think: go over the top when figuring out new stuff, let it sit, reread it a few months later, and decide where you should tone it down. I do that a lot, turn the dial up to eleven, when I know it’s too purply prose or too in the face for my taste, and find out what exactly bothers me and what was just enough at a later time. That’s the nice thing about fanfiction: it doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s absolutely allowed to have the learning process out in the open. 

The reason why I do this a lot is: I have a hard time to distinguish between the invisible and the visible parts. For me, everything is visible because I have written and rewritten and read and reread it until I know most of it by heart. I have to forget about it before I can reread it in a way that makes it possible to see where over the top or badly worded parts jump into my eye and I think “Oh God, how embarrassing, did I write that?” 

Eg. I do realize that when I think spontaneously “wow, this was a really awesome sentence, how did I come up with something this great” that about a week later I think “OMG, what was I thinking? Can it get any tackier?”

On the other hand, something I thought horribly purply turns out to work well for me later. Or becomes simply invisible when I thought it was completely in the face. 

Anyway, body language and why it is important: 

I once read a fic I really liked. The story was interesting, the characters were great, but something was bothering me and I couldn’t even say what. Then I realized that there were these huge dialogues (with awesome lines in it) that seemed to float in the air. What was missing were those invisible lines, like short descriptions of body language or surrounding (if you have a person e.g., drum their fingers on a table instead of their knee, you add a piece of furniture to the mix) and while the reader tends to only focus on the dialogue, these descriptions tether the lines to people and surrounding. 

And that’s a shit ton of work, I can tell you. Writing a dialogue down is something I can do really fast. Adding all the other stuff is what takes time. And you don’t get any recognition for it because nobody even notices! And then you think: hey, I can just hack out the lines, that will produce exactly the same reaction. 

But when the reader then comments like “I feel like I was there, I have it run through my head like a movie, etc.” then it’s these small things that make it that way. 

It’s like painting. If you look at the Mona Lisa, do you look at the landscape scene behind her? Or the folds of her gown? Or how she’s holding her fingers? I started to look at these things when I started to get interested in renaissance paintings, but before? I would have looked at her face and probably not even seen the rest. But if da Vinci would have only drawn the face and just left the rest blank, it would be just a floating face and not attached to anything. Writing people-people interactions is the same, I think. It needs to be tied to something physical. 

It’s how our brain works. We only see about 20% of what is around us, the rest is made up by our memory. Anything else would lead to capacity overload. Reading works the same way. It’s why we sometimes read words wrong when they look similar because we don’t read every single letter, but the brain starts to pick up words as one item, eventually. But when these pieces we invent are missing, then we suddenly notice the gap. E.g. you can sometimes walk three times through a room and not realize that a chair is missing. Until you notice and then you can’t unsee it and the freaking hole in the room is there each time you go in. 

And if we read books, we focus on what is important. Which is e.g., what the character says and does, and not how his muscles twitch below his eye. But even in action descriptions I’m pretty sure we skip most of the small things that happen and just focus on e.g., the stab wound, the barely escaped shot, the car that almost crashes etc. Not the smaller stuff like feet drumming on the ground or hands sweating, the heart beating faster, etc. We read it, we are halfway aware that it’s there, and then we forget about it. 

Unfortunately, as I said, once you start looking for it, it gets difficult to unsee and then it can have the opposite effect and pull you out of the story and make you concentrate on the writing style. But I suppose that’s a bit the price you pay if you really start looking into all these things. Like, when I was learning to drive, I suddenly became a horrible passenger. Before being driven around was relaxing. Suddenly I saw all the danger everywhere and as I was not yet confident in handling them, they jumped out.


	4. Chapter 4

Alright. Something else for a change: original characters.

Writing original characters in fanfiction is a bit of a suicide mission. People don’t really care for them. They wouldn’t be reading fanfiction if they did. Personally, I do not read (with very few exceptions) fanfiction if one of the main characters is an OC. I don’t read reader-insert stories either. It might be a leftover from my fanfiction starting time back in the day, when the worst crime you could ever commit was writing a Mary-Sue. It had to be avoided at all costs (which is ridiculous if you think that fanfiction is looked down on by ‘real’ writers and then the fanfiction writers look down on people who write Mary-Sues into their stories. Shows again how bigoted the world can be). 

But: taste is taste and I think it’s totally OK to say: I don’t care for this or that type of stories. And, yeah, very few people read fanfiction for original characters. Even crossovers can be difficult to pull off because you mix reader groups who might not care for 50% of what you are writing about. 

If I like an author a lot, then I give their original character fics a try and like that I did find a few fics where I really liked the OC, simply because they were very well written and rounded out, but, let’s be honest, you’ll get a lot more clicks if you pair two band members. 

So, why write original characters for fanfiction? To practice. Inserting lots of side characters is helpful to a) populate your world and b) to work on creating characters that hold a bit of life and slowly, slowly, move away from the cardboard insert. As they are side characters, you also won’t ruin your complete story if they fail to be engaging. For me they are perfect practicing material. 

Side characters in fiction are often cardboard because if you create a complete history for each and every one of them, that would be a bit much. Still, trying to give them a bit of life is good practice. So this new book is the first one where I actually sat down and wrote (short) background stories for original characters. Not all of them, mind you, but for the two most important ones. Will it help? No idea, they have yet to make their entrance. 

And there we are: first entrance of a character. I read something about that recently and it was interesting. The author took a book and showed the presentation of each single character by citing the paragraph (or sentence) when they first showed up. 

Thinking a bit about how to present a new character (even if it’s just a shop assistant, a waitress, whatever) can be good practice (practice seems to be the word of the day for me). Take your favourite TV show or movie and think about characters and how they were presented first. Some first entrances are epic. 

E.g. for me one of the best character introductions I have ever seen was Death in Supernatural: cool, understated, deathly. It is burned into my brain. 

In case you’ve never seen it: here’s the link: You don’t have to know or like the show, the scene in itself is epic. I haven’t watched it in years, just pulled it up on youtube and: instant chills. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EcsBgxXDqc

Another one would be Smaug, in the Hobbit (the movie), when he opened his eye under all the gold. Or the scene when all the dwarves showed up at Bilbo’s house. You have one first introduction after the next and for most of them you had a good idea about their characterization right away (Thorin – dark, brooding, important, pissed off/ Kili and Fili – smiling and mischievous/ Dwalin – I give a fuck attitude). 

I’m sure there are a lot of epic entrances in books, too, but I have to admit: movies get stuck a lot better, so I like to think of those first for ideas. But it’s also worth of course, to look at books, so taking a random book off the shelf and just checking out the introductions of characters gives a good idea. Which I just did, but I would have to type too much (and often translate), so: look at your own books. :)

So, what do we usually do and how can it be done better? 

We tend to stick with optic first because that seems most important, but the more I think about it and the more introductions I read I notice: the best ones don’t stick with optic: they have the character do something that gives a good idea about their personality (or pretend personality in case it’s some type of villain) and wraps the outer looks into this description (which, of course, is once again: show don’t tell). 

If it’s a more important characters, give them a whole paragraph or a complete scene and not a sentence. 

In order to make a good first introduction, you need to know a lot about that person and boil it down to a few sentences. And when that’s not possible, it’s likely that you don’t yet know enough about the character. It’s something I never really cared about, so I suppose, I should start to do it. 

I also (of course) checked what I have written myself so far (because, as I said, my main approach to writing has always been intuitive and once I realize how I should do something, it’s always interesting to compare the “should” to my intuition. 

E.g. in the first Foxhill book, Axl’s first sentence is: 

“Hands of the cat!”

Which is actually pretty good because it says a lot about Axl’s character, brings in his relationship with Slash (who is at that point in time really just a cat), his possessiveness, his short temper, his “this is my shop, my cat, and don’t you dare try take anything from me”, etc. He doesn’t even know Duff yet and already puts down his foot and sets the rules. 

Izzy’s is: 

A gust of wind blew in yet another latecomer. The man angrily tossed his hat onto a chest of drawers, then he tore off his coat and had it follow.

“Who’s that?” he asked, shaking wet, dark hair out of his face. When had it started to rain? “I thought we were closed.”

Not bad, but could be better. The hat, for example, should have gone onto the counter, but I didn’t know that yet. :). But, yeah, he is already tossing his stuff around without caring, is a bit confused (are we closed or not), is wet and dishevelled when it’s not even raining and in a hurry. 

+++

That might not be the top level of epic, but it’s better than “A woman with red hair and blue eyes stood behind the counter.” “A dark haired man entered the shop.”

So, first character introduction is a bit like first sentence. It should happen in a way that makes the reader want to know more about the character. It also comes with a promise about how the character is going to behave later on. 

And while it is debatable if this has to happen with each and every character, I like to apply stuff like that also to side characters because it’s simply good practice. My main characters get introduced somewhere on the first thirty pages and then that’s it for the next three months of writing. If I use side characters, too, I get more practice. Just like I try to use “first lines” for each chapter at the moment, simply to have more opportunity to think about it. 

Soooo, yep. Sometimes I invent side characters simply because I want to write an original character without ruining my complete fic. For practice.


	5. Chapter 5

Why Izzy doesn’t talk to Duff?

Sparked by the comments on the last chapter, I thought: this deserves a bit looking into. Why did I write Izzy that extremely uncommunicative? I’ll try to explain without spoilering and just stick to what we already know. 

OK. I suppose it’s safe to say that the events of this story somehow go back to Izzy’s lost years, those not even Axl knows anything about. So, let’s stick with what Axl does know (either from Part I or from the prequels): 

1\. Izzy was gone for three years  
2\. He came back “changed”. Changed how? 

Let’s start with the obvious: he appeared on Axl’s doorstep in the middle of winter, after having walked through a snowstorm all night. If that doesn’t reek of desperation, I don’t know. 

He was starved, meaning he had been falling on hardship before and he obviously had nowhere left to go. He was pretty much begging for help on the doorstep of the only person he had left and where he was not even sure he would be welcome. In fact, he was not surprised when he thought he was rejected. He had expected it, but it had been his last option. 

He was also clearly depressed and not just a little bit. The first weeks after his return, Axl didn’t see him much because he would not leave his room, or even his bed. This can partly be because he was exhausted, but not only. Also, his nightmares were so bad that Axl got fed up with them and sneaked a sleeping-amulet under his bed, which is a clear breach with his ethics, that you do not bewitch people without their knowledge. Not even if it’s for their own good. 

So, it is safe to say: something happened to Izzy and it wasn’t anything good. 

The other part is the one Axl liked, that Izzy was “more in control of himself”. But even here, Axl may be a little bit beside the mark. Yes, Izzy had learned to control his powers in Fea land, which is a positive thing. He also got his opium addiction more or less under control. But he had also given up on his wild and (halfway) carefree side. He didn’t chat up girls anymore because it was “too much trouble”. That can be a normal development when somebody grows up and gets a bit more responsible, but can also speak of depression. 

As somebody struggling with depression, let me give you an idea: e.g. I remember watching a satirical TV show I really like. I recognized that the jokes were good, they were funny and to the point, etc. I could say all that from a totally logical point of view. Yet I did not laugh and I did not get the feeling inside my brain I usually get when something is funny. I knew it was funny, yes. So what? It didn’t lead to an emotion. 

So, it might be that Izzy didn’t stop because he was suddenly this mature person who was no longer interested in chasing women for cheap thrills when in fact he wasn’t even interested in women and really just did it for sexual gratification. Maybe he stopped because he was in an emotionally reduced state where pretty much everything was “too much effort”. Because that’s sadly the next step: if fun things are no longer fun, but just use up energy you don’t have: why bother? 

If what was fun before was on the wild, irresponsible side, it might be viewed as “growing up” when in fact it is something else.

By the way: Izzy’s severe lack of selfcare (no regular eating, no body hygiene, dirty, torn clothes, etc). might hint at some underlying issues, too. Some people honestly don’t care. Others don’t have the energy left to care. I would put Izzy somewhere in the middle. 

Then he is a workaholic. It started as something Axl thought as positive because it pulled Izzy out of his lethargy, but in pure Izzy-way, he turned it up to eleven. He says it’s important and everybody nods, but it’s also a way to distract himself from what is going on inside him. It’s just another unhealthy coping mechanism. Plus, he tends to risk more than is sensible which circles back to: no self-perseverance. 

OK. What did happen to Izzy? Yeah, good question and, of course, I’m not at liberty to say.

The only thing revealed is “the scar”, the one he feels he has to hide and can’t talk about. And this is really a ‘can’t’ and not ‘don’t want to’, which Duff doesn’t get at this point. He just feels betrayed when Izzy really may not have the words to describe what has happened. 

But shouldn’t he just be able to push himself? Because Duff is getting all insecure and really needs some information? 

Duff is in a shit-position here and he would just as urgently need help as Izzy does, but, alas, it’s Victorian times and nobody had any idea about trauma psychology. 

So, if Izzy is traumatized (by whatever), what does this mean? 

I have based Izzy’s behaviour on German soldiers of WW II who ended up being prisoners of war. 

Sadly, for a long time, there was not that much research about it, but later it became clear that this has shaped several generations in Germany (I can only speak for the German version of this, but I suppose other countries will have similar events). 

There were 11 000 000 POWs, so their experience and traumas truly affected a whole generation. And this generation has affected the next generation. Which is why lately there is some interest in the topic of how far such a generational trauma reaches into the future and what that means for e.g. other war-torn countries, for generations of refugees, etc. 

If people who were children at that time (between 1945 and 1950) talk about their returning fathers, there is one pattern repeated over and over: they were withdrawn. They didn’t talk. They were hard, emotionally distanced and showed very little empathy. Short of: they totally sucked as fathers and produced a new generation of fucked up children who then proceeded to fuck up their own children. 

Also, whatever happened, it is not the first severe trauma in Izzy’s life. There is also the London pogrom, which he may not fully remember, but which has still left its damage and might be the reason why he was, as Axl’s said “always a closemouthed bastard”. 

Add the precarious situation of magical people in general, the constant threat to lose your home or end in a work camp, and you get a brain that is permanently flooded by stress hormones. 

Hiding his problems has always been second nature for Izzy because he never learned to address what is going on inside him. He might not understand what is going on inside him either. He has not learned to address it, he has no words to describe it, and in order to function, he has (unconsciously) decided to keep it locked away. 

He may really not simply choose to keep Duff in the dark, but see no alternative.

Instead of working through the trauma that is his life, he has just perfected his unhealthy coping mechanisms, which include: pretend it’s not there for as long as possible, sedate it by substance abuse if it comes up, and if all that fails: run away from it. 

Which leads to somebody who is taciturn, difficult to approach, pretty hard and maybe even ruthless, and has difficulties showing empathic behaviour.

(Short trauma excursion: I’m no trauma expert, but I did once visit a very interesting seminar regarding trauma (because a lot of dogs I work with are severely traumatized). What I took away from this seminar (among other things) is: trauma is not just bad memories. Trauma means the memory is not stored correctly in your brain. 

Normally a memory gets stored as a set with other information which are time, place and emotion. Something like “Izzy met Axl on 17. March. They went to a party at Duff’s house and had lots of fun.”

Time, place, emotion, all linked to the course of event. 

If you experience trauma, this set of events is not stored together but in different places of the brain, which are not linked to each other. This happens when the brain is flooded with stress hormones. E.g. you get robbed in the subway. Then you still have the course of events as a memory. You do have the emotions (fear, terror). But you don’t have time and place, meaning, the memory can be triggered any time, any where and your brain does not tell you that it was a) in the past and b) in the subway. Instead, you relive the emotions in the same intensity as when the mugging happened. They don’t age and they don’t fade. That’s what happens during a flashback and the reason is: wrong storage of time and place regarding the event. 

Trauma work consists of trying to correctly store this information inside your brain and save all aspects together as a set. 

/end of excursion.)

So, why lack of empathy? I assume, for once, when you saw horrible things happening to people you have to shut off empathy or you’ll go nuts. But, there is also this aspects regarding depression again, which I would attribute to the reduced emotional state again: 

When you’re depressed (any Izzy is pretty much chronically depressed in these fics) empathy is also something that does not come easily, as I can say from experience. When I’m really depressed, I have to make a conscious, logical decision to feel empathy and behave empathetically, because it doesn’t come naturally anymore.

E.g. my husband tells me about his shit day at work, and my instant reaction is to shrug it off because it didn’t produce a normal emotional reaction. I have to go through what he has told again, and search inside my brain for how I would normally react to that story and then do it. Which is as fucked up as it sounds and leads to not noticing emotional distress in others unless I make a conscious decision to do so. Which is exhausting, I can say. Which leads to me instinctively trying to not be confronted with other people’s worries, which means I have to make a conscious decision to a) listen to people’s problems and b) react in the appropriate way. 

But (unlike Izzy) I know quite a bit about depression and what it does and how I have to deal with it and circumvent all these traps. He doesn’t. So he probably does not feel that much empathy for Duff’s struggles. At least not automatically and not if Duff doesn’t push his nose into it. 

And, yeah, Duff. We do see the world through Duff’s eyes. Duff has about as much of an idea about psychology as Izzy, which is: none. He also has no idea what might have happened to Izzy and he only got to know him when he was more or less functioning again. A bit weird, withdrawn, and ‘not a thoughtful person’, but functioning. 

That’s the problem with POV characters. As a reader we pretty much take what they tell us for granted, but it’s a severely filtered version. 

Honestly? Duff is in as much need of psychological council as Izzy because Duff is in the not desirable role of being the partner of a traumatized, depressed person. That’s a shit job, if there is one. He needs tools about how to handle that and nobody gives them to him. 

But, thank God he is this person with this amazing emotional intelligence, and so he does do quite a few things right. For example, he has understood that he needs to express his needs to make Izzy see them. That’s a really good first step. Say what you want!

And that Izzy doesn’t brush him off, when he wants something, but tries very hard to accommodate his wishes, is a good sign, too. It’s hard on him but he does make a serious effort to make Duff happy. That shows how much he means to him. 

Unfortunately, it doesn’t change that he can’t talk about what has happened to him and how the new events (which are probably triggering and overwhelming for Izzy, too at this point, as he did not expect to run into his ex-lover who is linked to his traumatic somehow either) are affecting him. Because you can assume that being suddenly in the same room (he at least got a bit of a warning when he heard the name) will have been a major trigger for Izzy. He has to work through that first before he can address it with Duff, but, as he’s Izzy, working through his issues is not his forte. He’ll prefer to push it all away, ignore it and let it rot and fester until it is swamped up the next time. 

Anyway. The next point for Duff would be: don’t take moods swings personally because they very likely have nothing to do with you, but with something from the past. You’re just the one who is closest and therefore most likely to get the brunt of them. Doesn’t excuse them, but, yeah: he is not angry with you, Duff. It’s more like … helpless. 

Because that’s another thing I can tell you, this time from my experience with dog owners: before aggression comes helplessness. I try very hard to make people treat their dogs nice and considerate, but those who end up blowing up when their dog doesn’t obey, are usually those who felt helpless and desperate and also disappointed that they were unable to manage. 

I have seen outbursts of obscenities towards dogs (people don’t dare getting really brutal when I’m around, they just yell and shake the dogs which is already about what I tolerate) that really left me speechless and from people who are otherwise completely norma. (The weirdest time was a man who not only yelled a never-ending string of curses, but also suddenly talked in heavy dialect, which he usually didn’t do). 

And if you are a severely traumatized person who has probably experienced a feeling of utter helplessness to stop happening whatever horrible thing happened to you, feeling helpless _again_ might not be easy. Helplessness, loss of control, this is really hard to handle when it once before let to terrible consequences. 

But, back to Duff: understanding that even if Izzy behaves like a callous asshole, he doesn’t do it because he doesn’t love him, but for more instinctive reasons which are not fully under his control, would be helpful. And for Izzy, it would be helpful if he learned to own up to it and say something like “sorry, I was an asshole, I didn’t mean you, but everything got so overwhelming “. 

Right. Not gonna happen because: psychological knowledge was non-existent. 

That’s all especially difficult when you’re as insecure about your position as Duff is. Izzy being grumpy and moody is hard enough for him, but, really, he deals remarkably well with it. Helps that Izzy has never been different for as long as he knows him, but still. Kudos to your patience, Duff. You’re awesome. 

But now: add an ex-lover and signs of being pushed away, and he would really profit from somebody who talks him through it because being left alone with that when he doesn’t even get the full picture of what has happened, that’s asked too much. Of anybody. And Izzy burying himself in vampire issues and other problems and refusing to address anything, is not helpful. 

So. Yeah. Take home message: That’s why Izzy doesn’t talk to Duff. Because traumatized people tend to not talk about their trauma. And if you’re the partner of such a person, that sucks. 

(PS: people literally breaking and spilling all their trauma to the new guy who stepped into their life after a nightmare or maybe even some type of ground breaking event, and then everybody being all communicative and open about it, is not realistic. This shit takes years, maybe even a lifetime to deal with. 

Which is why: it’s a recommendation for writers, if you want to write about the recovery of a traumatized character, to have him be at a point where he has already dealt halfway with his trauma. Then you can make the recovery from the rest the topic of your story. If you start at the time of trauma, better be prepared to write a family saga over several generations because, yes, it does take that long. 

Which, by the way: trauma recovery is not the topic of my fic. Izzy will remain traumatized. He will hopefully make tiny steps towards opening up, but he will not significantly change his behaviour. The best outcome would be that he finds ways to now and then talk about it and for Duff to learn how to deal with the fallout and get more secure in his own feelings. The rest would be a bit too utopic, even for me.


	6. Chapter 6

A typical world building fail: 

I didn’t think too much about “world-building”, but maybe I should have. 

It is this huge thing in writer’s guides and I always thought: what’s the drama? It’s a fantasy world. I’m pretty sure people who are writing fantasy worlds have some experience living in them!

Personally, I started living in fantasy worlds when I was maybe four? I do remember having this imaginary friend back then and sometimes I would prefer to play with her than my real friends because I did not have to explain the world, I was playing in. Back then I didn’t know that I was “world-building”. I was just having fun in a place that was not real. 

Therefore, it’s really not surprising that I have this tendency to write AUs all the time. I grew up in them. 

Anyway, what can go wrong with world-building? In my case, I have created abilities that are now making writing really difficult for me. I should have been clearer about how magic works in my world. One rule is that magic has to follow rules. I did set up a few rules for my magic, but it’s all a bit wonky. And my biggest issue so far is: Izzy’s aura-reading abilities. 

What does that even imply? Yes, I should have decided when I started, but it was kind of cool to have him come in and say “he’s interesting, he has been touched by death.”

So now that Duff and Izzy are getting more intimate, it becomes all a bit problematic. How much can Izzy see? How much can Duff hide from him? Shouldn’t he just know XYZ? 

Soooo, time to do a bit of rule-writing. In retrospect. But better late than never, I suppose, to make it all more streamlined in the future. 

What can Izzy do? 

For that, I should probably list all the stuff he has already done because those I can’t deny anymore. 

1\. There are things he sees right away and things he has to look out for and things he can only find if he artificially increases “energy flow”

2\. Izzy considers the aura to be something “personal and intimate” and thinks it's creepy to look out for things he doesn’t see right away. Maybe comparable to somebody who can read thoughts but has learned to switch off this ability. Izzy has learned to ignore details. Maybe by focussing on the body when looking at people. And maybe it used to freak people out when he was still a child and developed this ability and blurted out stuff he shouldn't even know. 

3\. It’s not like looking at a picture, but he observes movements inside the aura. That makes it easier to ignore things he doesn’t want to know about, if you have to e.g. follow some little swirl in its movement, you have to concentrate harder than by just saying: oh, look, green spots everywhere. 

Things that jump out: 

1\. He saw right away that Duff was “touched by death”. Why? Does it affect the aura if somebody dies nearby? In that case, pretty much everybody during that time would have been “touched by death” I (retrospectively) came up with the explanation that he could see it because Duff was touched by the same object (the amulet) that caused the death of another person at the same time as it was touching him. He shared the cause of death somebody else had died from. That left a mark. 

And now, as a scientist, I ask myself: Why, how, when, can we set up an experiment to repeat the process? Is it conclusive, reproducible, etc.? I could probably come up with something like: their auras touched at the moment when the other person’s aura was destroyed and that left scorch marks on Duff’s. Like being too close to an explosion. But it’s not that important, so I’ll leave it at “it left a mark”. 

2\. He can say if somebody is pregnant. Makes sense because a second aura would start to built and we can now debate whether that second aura had to be inside the uterus or can be visible from the outside. But like everything that makes up a baby, it has to come from somewhere and the only thing I can think of is Mum’s aura, so: that should be easy for Izzy. 

3\. He can say whether the baby will be male and female. Because of course, girls have a pink aura and boys a blue one! Ehm, no. I didn’t really think about this. (You do realize a pattern here? Yes, I didn’t think about ANYTHING). Let’s say hormones have a certain influence, which would make it possible at a later date to say what’s it going to be. Not right away because Izzy is not reading chromosomes from the aura. He might also know if the baby is healthy or not. In fact, I am pretty happy with Axl's sex-shop for magical creatures and Izzy, the reluctant pre-natal consultant. Foxhill had a far better women's health system set up than any of the far richer, non-magical women had access, too and that's thanks to Axl and Izzy. 

4\. Sexual arousal. Yes, he can see it because it “intensifies energy flows”. And it seems to work the other way round, too: you “intensify the energy flow” inside the aura my making people stare into flames, and you get sexually aroused. Which is actually an interesting concept because how far can Izzy influence somebody’s aura and what can he achieve by that? 

But, first, sexual arousal: 

So, he should have known that Duff was attracted to him. (Probably yes, but as that would be boring, let’s make up a few reasons for: no.)

Izzy does not see “Person X is attracted to me” you could say he sees “Person X is getting hot at the moment”. But why is that person aroused? When he is having sex with somebody, it’s realistic to say that that he is causing the arousal. This is why Izzy is very good at sex. Also, while I did not include too detailed sex scenes, it’s fair to say: Izzy shows no insecurities there. He knows that Duff enjoys sex with him and he enjoys sex with Duff and he is kind of smug regarding his superior abilities. (Yes, he can be an ass sometimes).

Given that he is insecure regarding the rest, it’s understandable that Izzy puts so much emphasize on sex and tries to get Duff to agree to more and more experimental stuff to make it even better for him. It’s the one thing where he can’t do wrong and he’s relying on it to show his value. (And now I want to sob: poor Izzy! You've got so much more to offer!). 

All right. What about emotions? Sexual arousal and emotions are two different things and even if somebody is randomly aroused in your vicinity, it can be about anybody, it can be about a fantasy in their head, it doesn’t have to be because of him. Then you live in the same house with Axl, who everybody is pining after, so assuming that Duff’s randomly experienced sexual arousal was about Axl, was Izzy’s original conclusion. He even said so, during the ball, when he asked Duff if he had blurted out his attraction to Axl. 

So, I think it is not too far fetched that he was surprised to find out that it was about him and not Axl or even some unknown girl (if I remember, he thought Lola was Duff’s girl, too. Or was that Axl? I really have to re-read my own fics)

Duff tried really hard to not let his feelings get the better of him. Also, they had a lot of stress. He couldn’t run around with a raging hard-on all the time. So it’s not like Duff stepped into a room with Izzy and ‘bam’, uncontrollable arousal. Add that Izzy tried to not be a creep and just analyse Duff’s aura to pieces, and he might have missed the specifics. 

Can he see emotions? I suppose it’s safe to say: no. Izzy sucks at reading people’s emotions, it’s what he needs Duff for. So the aura does not let you know if somebody is angry, happy, disappointed, etc. It shows physical aspects (arousal is more physical than e.g. happiness, while we might now argue that it’s all brain chemistry). 

Phew. You see, it’s always possible to make up idiotic excuses for your world-building fails. :)

All right, he can see physical things. What would that be? 

1\. Sickness, I would say is kind of a sure bet. He said that Duff’s aura flickered when he got faint during the first episode and even Axl could see his aura getting brighter when the energy drain was stopped. 

2\. Anything that disturbs the normal energy flow, like the person being bewitched. The spell would mess with the aura, in some way and he would notice. This leads to completely new rules for evil black magic spells because you have to make them in a way that hides the effect on the aura. I suppose a clumsy spell would jump out at Izzy. A good one would be something he has to look out for. A really good one and he has to do a full reading. And a perfect one and he might not notice at all. Which leaves also the question, by the way, how good is Izzy really? We only have Axl’s word for it, but Axl sucks at aura-reading, so he might think it’s better than it is. 

(Spoiler: Izzy is really good at it and so far I don’t have anybody around who would be better). 

3\. He can distinguish different denominations from their aura. E.g. he knew that Slash was not a cat, but a shapeshifter, so he would know what everybody else is, too. Given that it’s not polite to ask people what they are, having somebody run around who can just say, makes Izzy kind of impolite by default. 

In fact, knowing what he can do, might be the reason why even the people of Foxhill are a bit wary around him. He might pick up on things they don't want to become common knowledge, like who they have the hots for or that they are pregnant (without a husband around), etc. 

Next question: How far would Izzy go where? 

While not a person overly burdened by ethical concerns, he does have his own ethics regarding people’s auras. 

(Which is interesting. Axl, who is better at manipulating people via amulets and potions and able to do it to a far higher degree than Izzy, places his ethical concerns in that area while Izzy places them in his own area of expertise. Maybe this just means: the better you are at something, the more you think about how far you can go). 

So, Izzy is unlikely to sit around in a café and analyse random people’s auras. He might have done so when he was still young and practicing his abilities, but not anymore. Also, I don’t think he would be interested enough in random people to do that. There are people-watchers and there are people who don’t even notice when friends wave at them from across the street. Izzy would be the second type. 

Also, when he knows somebody well and trusts that person, he stays away consciously from checking them out. He considers that a matter of common decency just as you would e.g. turn around if you stumbled in on a friend who was e.g. currently changing his clothes and therefore half-naked. You don’t come in and stare extra hard to see all the details. 

But: Izzy is also pretty paranoid so he would look out for certain things if he has to deal with people he doesn’t know well. For example: 

1\. Is this person under a spell or any other foreign influence (e.g. a vampire minion). 

2\. He used to exploit it in order to pick up girls. When you already know that somebody is aroused for whatever reason (even if it’s about somebody else), chatting that person up and convincing them to a bit of tension relief will be a lot easier than if you have to start at zero. At a minimum, he will have known if he is up for success or should stop and try somewhere else. 

3\. Denomination. Polite or not, Izzy will check who he is dealing with. 

Yeah, and that is already pretty much all I can come up with. 

Phew. That’s not as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, I’m surprised how few abilities I really gave him, I had the feeling it was a lot more. There should be more things Izzy can do, but as seen above: every ability I give him will have major consequences for how a story can develop. 

And that’s the issue with world-building and why it really makes some sense to set up a construct at some point (latest when you know where you are heading) because the world your story is set in limits not only what people can do, but also what type of conflicts you can create. E.g. if I wrote that Izzy was totally insecure regarding his sexual performance with Duff, it would not make sense. It was hard enough to find a solution for why he is so emotionally blind, but I did not want the aura to be something like a mood-detector that turns green when you’re envious and blue when you’re happy. Which saved me in the long run. By making it a complicated process which not everybody can do and which takes time and concentration, I can get away with a few more things than I could otherwise. 

In general, I like the powers of my protagonists to be not too all-encompassing. Yes, they can do things others can’t, but not too many. 

I should probably get into detail regarding Axl’s abilities, too. All right, one thing I can say: Axl needs something tangible to do magic. E.g. his amulets and potions could do a lot of damage, but he does need them. Izzy just touches people to transfer magic. Axl can’t do that. He needs some type of transmitter. 

On the other hand, if Izzy wants to influence somebody, he HAS to touch them which means: they are aware of what is happening. He would have a very hard time finding a reason why he really had to dig his fingers into somebody’s head. But his amulets suck and would be too clumsy to do much damage. Also, I did not go into detail about how much damage he can do when touching somebody like that, but I can drop it here: a lot. Maybe even more than Axl, but at a minimum to the same degree. He just can't do it in secret. 

Axl could just bewitch an object and trick people into touching it or getting too close, so he has the ability to work in secret if he wants to. That, while Izzy may technically be more powerful, makes Axl the more dangerous one. Izzy's abilities are very powerful, but he is also limited to certain areas. By creating amulets and potions to do whatever he wants them to do, Axl is a lot more versatile when it comes to manipulating his actual surroundings. Which is why the administration is not fond of him. Theoretically, he could wipe them all out, if he wanted to and they wouldn,'t even notice.


	7. Chapter 7

Why did I write the torture scene? 

Ugh. There is one rule: don’t write anything just to shock the reader. And while I knew that this scene would be shocking, I didn’t write it for that reason. But now, that I am trying to put into words why I did write it, I’m having huge problems to do it. 

1\. The timeline. I thought really hard about how people in that time would think about torturing a vampire they had caught while he was trying to kill their friends (when Izzy got to them, they were after Duff, not even some random woman he doesn’t care much about).

I took the following into account: 

a) The American Civil War was from 1861-1865, so not that long ago. A lot of people still believed that slavery was A-OK. 

b) The British colonies (other countries too, of course, but as they are English here: let’s stick with what GB thought was a great idea): and how they treated the local population – I guess no comment needed. Might not have been called slavery, but wasn’t much different

c) Things like the Geneva Convention did not exist and if we think about the horrible things done to local populations during wars everywhere and how nobody really cared about it …

d) or, on a different note: let’s think a bit how people were treated in prisons, psychiatric institutions (if they can be called that). Or even children in boarding schools or orphanages. We all know the stories about the systemic mass cruelty towards children. 

e) I have read only last week a discussion about whether it’s OK to spank children (it was in the US, in Germany it’s not allowed). A discussion about whether it is OK to hit little human beings the commenters had personally given birth to. In 2021. In 1870 it will have been normal to hit children with implements like belts, rods, etc. It was even considered necessary to make sure they grew up into decent human beings. That is a form of torture. Just because an adult might be able to withstand being hit with a belt, for a little child it’s the equivalent of what Izzy did. 

So, I really think, given the time this is set in, Duff is being the odd one out. The general population would not see too much issue with what Izzy did, especially as he did not do it to a human being. People considered other human beings to be lesser human beings and it was permissible to treat them cruelly. Nothing they might want to watch, but not something that would get them up on the barricades. 

And today?

2\. Some of my German readers might remember the Jakob von Metzler kidnapping in 2002. Jakob was eleven years old and when the kidnapper was caught, nobody knew if he was dead or still alive (he was already dead). Later the chief of police had to resign because he threatened the kidnapper with violence (he didn’t follow through) if he didn’t tell where the boy was. This threat led him to admit where he had hidden the body. 

Around that time a survey was conducted about people’s stand towards torture: I don’t remember the percentage of people who thought torture was permissible in circumstances like this, but it was horrifyingly high. For me. I tried to discuss this with several people and often got “but if it can save a life” as justification for it being permissible. I was really shocked because while I could understand the sentiment, I could not understand that people were OK with pulling through. 

So, again, even in 2002 a lot of people were of the opinion that, if it saves a life and the person being tortured is one of the bad guys, then it’s OK. This is pretty much Izzy’s reasoning here and while I don’t agree at all, I’m pretty sure in 1870 I would have been in the minority. In 2002 I was in the minority. 

3\. Let’s not forget that we still have something like Guantanamo and I suppose everybody knows what has gone down there. Or we can also look towards the refugee camps at the border of the EU and people’s empathy is currently not as much as a given as we like to think. 

I can’t say it too often: I am of the opinion that torture is never permissible, can never be justified, under no circumstance. However, the above-mentioned aspects show that a lot of people disagree with me. Who are these people? Are they all monsters? If the USA is of the opinion that it is OK to torture their prisoners (governments are elected), what does that say about the people electing them? 

4\. Death penalty. Something else that leaves me speechless and shocked and horrified, no matter what the person has done. Still, a lot of people are in favour (even here, where it is, thank God, not allowed). And it is, by the way, one of the reasons why I’m not a fan of popular referendums because I’m absolutely sure, if there was one regarding the death penalty at a time when a specifically horrifying crime was present at the media, we would have a vote for the death penalty in any given country.

5\. And I would like to add something else: let’s think about meat production. The things done to animals in factory farms, the unbelievable, careless cruelty just so we can have our steak … We know it’s wrong, but we still tolerate it because we are used to it. I think it’s fair to say that the average German will not be able to slaughter a pig (people in 1870 will have been able to because they had to if they wanted to have meat), but we do accept the cruelty that happens everywhere. Since COVID 19 and Tönnies I am sure we all know what’s going on in the meat industry. Are we all out and protesting? I don’t think so (and I include myself into that. I’m not a vegetarian, leave a lone vegan, although I know I should be). 

So, yes. Given all that above, I decided to write this scene. As I mentioned before, I had been fighting with myself about how to write the fic, e.g. should my characters have ideas and opinions from 2020 or from 1870? Personally, it always bothers me if the good guys in historic books act too modern. E.g. they are always all feminists, have a modern take at medicine, etc. 

I’m fully aware that I do not manage to write them really from 1870. I didn’t do enough research about it either (although I was surprised. I may have been late to the show, but we watched Bridgerton the last two weeks and I had to laugh all the time because we had apparently done our research on the same web pages and partly even derived the same plot line ideas from it (like the masturbation scene.) My husband gave me completely weirded out looks when I explained all the Victorian mindset, details, etc to him. I really sat there and thought: I could have written that show!)

Anyway. 

I’m always a bit fascinated with how completely normal people can turn unbelievably cruel at the drop of a hat. Civil wars with attached genocides are typical examples where you never know if your neighbour, the one you had over for barbeque last summer, will suddenly turn against you. The veneer of civilization often feels so thin to me that a scratch can make it come off. It will have been thinner 150 years ago. 

Making Izzy the torturer here is on the one hand something that seems unnecessary. Maybe it is. But creating an original character and have him do it would … as a lot of commenters have said … destroy the effect I wanted to create. A lot of comments said “if I hadn’t known so much about Izzy, I’d have thought “What an asshole”.” 

We are used in movies, books, etc. that there is a clear line. Normally, if somebody tortures, then we know the person is evil. 

Here we have a character we like. Now he does something horrible. But he gives us reasons why he’s doing it. And now we have to question ourselves: do we accept his reasoning? Can we overlook what he did? Do we consider to agree (reluctantly) with what he did? That it might have been necessary? Or at least understandable? 

It’s not only about Izzy and Duff, but for me it was also: how do I (as a writer/reader) react to that? What do I make out of it? 

I think a lot of atrocities in this world are committed by people who are not fully evil. It would be too easy if it was that black and white. It doesn’t make the act in itself any better. 

But, to finish this: I wrote this because I wanted Izzy as a character who is

a) severely damaged and not only in a “poor baby” way of being depressed and unhappy, but also somebody who has suffered some serious damage in the personality department. 

b) who has been through so much cruelty himself that (also in addition to the popular mindset of the time) doesn’t really question in anymore. His ethical balance is skewed which I think shows in a lot of the shit he’s doing. On the one hand, he justifies cruelty, on the other hand, it leaves him uneasy. He should think a bit about the ‘why’. 

c) Duff is the counterpoint to all this. Unlike Izzy, Duff is a good person, through and through. Also, from today’s point of view. He is sometimes a bit like Huckleberry Finn, in that he spouts completely ridiculous opinions, but when put on the spot, always does the ethically correct thing. Duff’s moral compass is in order. Izzy’s is not. 

d) and, honestly? If I was writing relationship troubles, I wanted to give them a reason for relationship troubles. I wanted to get this to a point where Duff gets to breaking point about whether he can still take up with Izzy’s bullshit or not, and not in a more or less light romance comedy way with a couple of misunderstanding. 

To be honest, I’m not sure I’m a good enough writer to write this in a satisfactory way. I did write the next three chapters already, but they don’t cut it. At all. I’m also pretty sure that I won’t get a way out of this that will be satisfactory for everybody. Because I already said that Duff and Izzy will get their happy ending and I fully understand if for some readers a happy end is not acceptable in this case.

But I really tried to make them people of their time and I do believe that things were very different then. Also, the “let’s talk about it” culture we have today? That wasn’t a thing back then. Talking about emotions and feeling did not happen in the way we do it today. Heck, it’s still often enough considered a “female thing” to do that. And here we have only men. We wouldn’t need so many family therapists if it was that easy. 

I also do think that a lot more people were emotionally damaged and traumatized on a lot deeper level than in our modern Western civilization. Constant wars, famines, diseases, deaths, poverty on a level we don’t have in Europe anymore. And blood and gore were a part of everyday life. As mentioned above: who here in Germany has been present when an animal was slaughtered? I had a colleague who butchered her own chicken and everybody was like “you can do that yourself?”

OK, I’ll stop here because I could go on and on and on. I hope I managed to explain why I included this scene. If I will be able to solve it? We’ll see, I suppose.

If you want more things I checked: google Stanford Prison Experiment or (even better: Milgram experiment). 


	8. Chapter 8

I did plan to move on to the family visit from hell, but I suppose, I should maybe do some follow up on the latest drama. 

First: it was interesting to write. I can get myself into a total “OMG, my poor baby!” mindset when writing stuff like that until I almost cry over the keyboard while typing. 

And when I’m done and look at it from a bit of a distance, I also want to laugh about all the misery I pour out over them. I mean, come on, Izzy’s life is really a bit over the top. Duff may stumble into mishap after mishap, but Izzy’s life is one big catastrophe. And on top of this, the poor guy has to be gay in a time when that was not a good idea. He should be a mental wreck (OK, he is).

But misery is my guilty pleasure, so … yeah. I just realized: some people may read fanfic for porn, but I read it for misery. Make the character’s life hell and you’ve got me. 

OK, let’s pretend to take this seriously. Why did Izzy keep it all a secret? I was trying to squeeze all this into the reply to one comment, but realized it’s a bit much for the comment section, so it goes in here: 

Izzy's way of dealing with this trauma is to pretend it didn't happen. He said it himself, he avoids thinking about it. Having it right into his face by suddenly running into a person involved in the whole shit threw him for a loop. I mean, he got about half a dozen issues out of this: 

1\. Sudden recurrence of things he prefers to pretend don't exist, including flashbacks, etc. 

2\. The way he took his leave from the person who rescued him was shit and he knows that and feels guilty

3\. He never was in love with Rowland, but only pretended. Which was a shit move to pull on somebody who did that much for you (I still give him a pass for doing it, but being on the other side of that … OK). 

To clarify anything (and instead of taking a page out of Izzy’s book of “How to Turn Yourself into an Emotionally Constipated Wreck” and pretend to not care, the man wants to talk!) Izzy would have to address a lot of unpleasant things. Things that make him feel really bad because all in all Izzy is a good guy. He has considered that Duff might be doing the same to him, so he knows how it would feel from the side of the betrayed person.

Izzy isn’t really one to admit to mistakes and ask for forgiveness. I mean, if you think about Wayward Son? He just came back, cracked a few jokes and hoped that Axl would never bring it up. And if he hadn’t been in the next scrape (running from the other person who had offered him shelter in the middle of winter) he probably wouldn’t have showed up on Axl’s doorstep at all. Izzy runs away until he has nowhere left to run. 

So, to be honest, not running this time, but accepting Duff’s conditions of coming clean, that’s a huge change for Izzy. Ten years ago, Duff would have woken up the next morning and Izzy would have been gone. 

4\. He was worried that Rowland might rat him out regarding hiding his tattoo. He could also claim that Izzy bewitched him to make him commit forbidden sexual acts (Izzy is paranoid enough to fear things like that). Rowland might have no proof, but people would remember Izzy’s stay in Pitlochry and who would believe some shady wizard over an important doctor? Izzy would be shipped to the Outer Hebrides so fast, he wouldn’t have time to pull a runner. 

5\. How will Duff react to the whole scenario? (He could have asked him instead of angsting over it, but … see Izzy’s favourite self-help book.). He should have known that “yes, he was my lover and he still loves me and now I’ll do totally dangerous and otherwise unimaginable stuff to help him, but, hey, don’t worry, there’s nothing between us” wouldn’t really cut it. You don’t have to be hit by a paranoia spell to think this kind of behaviour is shady. 

Soooo, all in all, for somebody who sucks at communication in general, this is a lot to talk about, especially as a lot of things were not clear to Izzy. e.g. he has no concept of panic attacks but thought it was probably some residual spell. 

He was also embarrassed by his own reactions to it all, in that he considered himself too weak. He likes to present himself as the person who has everything under control, so admitting to weaknesses is not easy for him in general. 

Admitting that he was at a point where he wasn't able to survive on his own due to mental issues and clung to a person, he pretended to love out of sheer despair will not go well with his sense of self as strong, cool, independent. 

So, yeah. That’s pretty much the reason for the huge communication fail. And I might mention: Axl was right in telling Duff to pull the gun on Izzy. And that Izzy didn’t run but caved instead, shows how much Duff means to him. 

And also, shouldn’t Duff do it all the time? Honestly? No. If he felt it necessary to push Izzy every other day, then Izzy is not the right partner for him. As understandable as it would be from Duff’s perspective, it would contradict Izzy’s personality. Duff needs to develop enough trust in Izzy to believe that even when Izzy pulls back and starts hiding, that the reason is not because he doesn’t love him or wants to get rid of him or is short of running away. Expecting Izzy to talk about his feelings all the time will only make both of them unhappy. 

Duff was able to do it because he has never done it before. I think that’s important, too. He accepts that Izzy is all self-absorbed, uncommunicative, broody-moody whatever without calling him out on it all the time. That’s why he can do it when it’s really important. 

It was difficult for Duff for two reasons: 

The spell, of course, but the spell only exacerbated issue that were already there. The communication fail was one, but the other reason was: 

They don’t know each other that well. They have met each other less than a year ago. They come from completely different backgrounds and a lot of their convictions about life and how the world works clash. 

e.g. Izzy looks at Duff and sees a certain innocence (or rather, that’s what he thinks it is, when in fact it’s something completely else) he has never had. He has never had the conviction that the world in general is a good place and that people are nice and will help you out. Izzy’s life was: show weakness and you’ll find yourself on your ass, be very careful whom you trust and always be ready for fight or flight. 

But: he kind of likes Duff’s perceived naivety. While he would consider it weakness in himself to be that trusting and optimistic, he loves seeing it in Duff and he wants to protect that. Izzy is kind of worried that hanging around him and working with him will turn Duff into the same jaded, burned-out person he is himself. So, when he treats Duff like a child sometimes, in that he doesn’t want him to come on certain hunts or see certain things, it’s not because he thinks he’s incapable, but because he’s afraid he might destroy this part of his personality. 

What Izzy doesn’t see is that this belief in the good of humanity in general, is a part of Duff that won’t break this easily. You could say it’s something like “basic trust”. 

There is a concept in dog raising (and also child raising, by the way, where it comes from) that is called “secure attachment and bonding”. Cut down you could say, if you raise a puppy from day one in a way that he trusts that his owner will take care of his needs, provides safety, connection, experiences, etc. then you get later an adult dog who can confidently deal with challenges. Even if these dogs experience later traumatic situations, they can reach back to these experiences and deal with it without breaking from it.

If you fuck that up, you get a distrustful dog who will be suspicious of anything new. And it’s not something you can just do for a few weeks with a puppy and then it will hold for eternity, but you have to keep doing this through puberty, until the dog is grown up. 

If you look at real life Axl you have a live-example of what happens when you totally fuck this up for a child. You get somebody who is like a leaf in the wind and unable to deal with challenges in a reasonable way.

But, back to the fic: 

So, here’s the huge difference in Izzy and Duff. 

Izzy grew up as a second-class citizen and had the rug pulled out from under him at a very early age. Meeting Mr Stradlin was lucky for him, but not exactly somebody who was able to provide security. Food was scarce, he often went hungry, living conditions were poor, and they travelled around to scam which is not exactly conducive to building trusting relationships with people. Izzy did not have what you would call a normal childhood, with friends, family, school, fun, etc. No structure, no security, just lots of muddling through. (Miss Agatha was a lot better that way, she hammered structure over Axl’s head with a sledge hammer). 

Duff comes from a poor family, but as the youngest, he was maybe a bit spoiled (not really spoiled, just compared to his older siblings). His parents tried to keep every-day worry away from him, they might have taken care that he had a bit more to eat when food was an issue, his older siblings will have looked out for him, etc. He was loved, he was taken care of and he enjoyed being a child with lots of freedom of running wild and trying himself out, while he could trust that others would shoulder the responsibility of providing for him. 

As a result, Duff can mentally deal a lot better with challenges than Izzy. Izzy prides himself on being tough and intimidating, but he also feels that he has to always display aggression or somebody will take what is important to him. 

Duff reacts more like “I have a problem I can’t solve on my own, is there a way to get help?” Other people are available to turn to for help, while for Izzy they only ever want something from him. When Duff interacts with other people, he gets something from them. When Izzy does, they take something from him. 

So, Izzy’s idea that he wants to shield Duff from his own life and Duff’s exasperation about it, stems from this difference. Duff can deal with all the shit because he is self-confident in who he is and how the world around him works. Yes, he stumbles into problems, yes he gets worried and he gets scared, but he comes out on the other end and is still the same self-confident person who still believes that the world in general is a good place. In term of character growth: Duff doesn’t change that much. The only thing he has to learn personality wise is how to be a bit more assertive with Izzy. The challenge for him is to deal with a magical world, not so much in dealing with his own mental issues. 

Izzy doesn’t think the world is a good place, on the contrary, and he is worried that when Duff hangs around him and the work he does, that he will finally realize how horrible everything is and develop the same depressed, disillusioned attitude Izzy has himself. He is worried that Duff is seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses and he is afraid of taking them away from him. 

(By the way: interestingly most readers feel with Duff here. I feel with Izzy because I do the same: when there are uncomfortable and challenging situations to take care of, I tend to feel responsible to do it myself and keep the unpleasant experience away from others.)

Oh, and there is another concept with regards to depression, which is interesting: 

There is this theory that the world is really as shitty as depressed people see it (after all we always get told to think positive and stop seeing problems and horrors everywhere), but that in fact normal people have a safety valve in the brain which keeps them from realizing it and still be able to keep up optimism. I mean, when you look at the state the world is in? Why are people still so happy? 

This concept is not that far-fetched. I used to have to deal a lot with cancer patients in my former job and one thing stood out to me: even people with a survival chance of 5% were often very optimistic that they would belong to that 5%. I also had a lot of people die from cancer in my family and this was often very hard for me, to know that they would die (I had dealt with enough of it professionally to know chances were non-existent) but to see this rampant optimism in everybody else and not say anything. It was also conflicting when e.g. family members pushed for treatment (with the resulting side effects) when I often thought: don’t do this to you anymore (e.g. one aunt had small cell lung cancer with metastases to the brain and they did radiation therapy). I remember saying something like "I'm not sure I would still start radiation" to somebody in my family and got literally yelled down for it because things WOULD turn out right! (And after my aunt died the same people were angry with the doctors who had started radiation when it was so full of side effects and at a time when it was useless anyway). Yeah. So it goes, I suppose. 

Anyway. What I did want to say is: When Duff and Izzy now, at this point in life, are confronted with the same, horrifying situation, chances are high that Duff will come out with less emotional scars than Izzy although Izzy is the one who is more experienced in dealing with it. Because Duff has a mental stability and security in who he is that Izzy can only dream of. But Izzy's perception of who they are is exactly the other way round, that he is the strong one because he has been through all that before and Duff is the breakable one he has to protect when the funny thing that Duff is stronger because he has NOT been through all this shit before but instead got a chance to develop a healthy sense of self. But, hey, good luck in explaining that to Izzy.


	9. Chapter 9

OK. There were a lot of questions lately, most of them about children. In the end, it all goes back to a bit of worldbuilding and how does this type of society work? The first question, of course, is always genetic. If people crossbreed, what comes out of it? 

It’s a good question, actually, and while it was always at the back of my mind, I did not address it because I have no real solution to it. But, as always: never too late to find one. 

There are different approaches on how to build your fantasy world. One is to create a complete world, down to the last issue, although you will only need a fraction of it to be known to the reader. E.g. we could go down that road like: if Sally is birdlike, did she hatch from an egg? If so, how does that work? Do her parents have a nest at home where they lay their eggs? If you have clumsy little children with long talons, what will that do to your house? Can they have pillows or will those get torn all the time?

I don’t have answers for that as we will never visit Sally’s parents at home. But there seem to be SF authors out there who take care of all those questions in their worldbuilding. They have my appreciation. I’m not one of them. 

Others say: you don’t need answers to everything. You can work with a cardboard front for as long as you can make the reader believe that there is a real world behind it. Kind of like a movie studio. I suppose that’s a bit of what I’m doing here. You only get what you need for the story and while I do have a bit of a world behind what I use in the fics, it’s by no means a complete world. Because that’s really a lot of work. It would probably make the fics better, but you wouldn’t get them posted on the web as fast as you do now. And, honestly? If I see what is important to readers, I don’t even think working more on the background would change the result. E.g. people don’t care if Sally hatched from an egg. They want to know if Axl can have children when he shifts between genders. 

(It’s something I really learned: posting on the web like this is always a bit quality vs quantity and I’m not enough of a hermit to spend a year or more working out all these fics to the last detail to then post them on a fanfiction forum for 50 readers. There are a lot of aspects where I am aware that it could be better, more thought out, more detailed, worked over, changed, but, honestly? Far too much trouble). 

That’s why I only ever start thinking about solutions when the child has already been dropped into the well. (Does that saying exist in English? No idea.)

All right. Genetics and society. Let’s again start with what we have: 

1\. People tend to found families within their own denominations. That actually makes sense because we tend to look for partners who are similar to us, not only from cultural background but also from how they look. I would like to also put in a bit of societal pressure on finding somebody of your own denomination. This also makes sense, especially given that until today people look within their own social class for a partner. 

2\. How do they find these partners if there aren’t that many in your neighbourhood? First, people in isolated communities tend to take what is there and inbreeding be damned. Second, I would say: family relations to e.g. family members who live elsewhere, maybe even some type of arranged marriages (remember your cousin David, Sally? He moved to the south and he says there is this really nice harpy family living down the street. They have a son at your age.”). Short: if potential mates are not living close, you have to get creative, as people always have been. 

Look at societies where lots of different nationalities live close to each other. It still takes more than one generation to have these people mix. In fact, I would say: we are still not at that point where people truly mix and still tend to marry within their own circles. There is even a tendency to rather import somebody from your parents’ former home country than marrying somebody from your own home. Social constrictions are really, really hard to overcome. 

3\. I like to think that currently, these rules are breaking a bit. E.g. the younger generation says, I don’t care, I want to be with somebody I love, not somebody who is exactly like me, and that it gets slowly, slowly, accepted. This might be the reason why so far, most families are still one of a kind, but their children stop giving a damn. Although, if I look at our real-life society: it would not be strange to e.g. date and go out with other types, and then, when it comes to marrying and settling down, you suddenly go back looking for somebody who is like you because you were raised with the belief that it’s the right thing to do. 

4\. All right. But we do have mixes. What does that do genetically? The easiest way would be dominant-recessive, meaning e.g. if Axl and Slash have little kiddies, you don’t get shapeshifting witches, but either a witch or a shapeshifter, depending on what is stronger (I would have to set up rules here, which I won’t, by the way). You could also get away with saying they are either/or, but never both. E.g. they won’t know if their kids will eventually shift or bewitch people. Also, Slash is more cat than human, so he was likely born as a cat and it might be a bit exasperating for Axl to have a child that is only cat until it finally discovers its powers and learns to shift. 

5\. You could also mix the powers, which will lead to people having weird magical abilities and over the decades, the defined denominations will die out. Which, to be honest, is to me the most likely scenario if we take science as it is now. We are at a point where people are no longer caring about breeding-standards and just take their chances and that will have an effect. You get more and more “mixed breeds”. 

Long term I can say: if you stop breeding for certain abilities, they will get lost. It’s something I notice in Labrador retrievers at the moment. They are no longer bred as hunting dogs, but for several generations as family dogs. The current buyers are more interested in how a dog looks than if it can work, so looks are favoured over abilities. Colours (!) are favoured over character, which is disastrous for any breed. 

Anyway, I’m more and more confronted with labs who won’t retrieve when it was something they would pretty much do on their own without much training. (I also get more and more labs who are damned hard to train when they used to be a breed that was very easy to train because ‘trainability’ is a genetic factor which is bred into working dogs, but gets lost really fast if you don’t select for it anymore). 

So that would happen to the magical communities: weird mixed abilities, never knowing what type your child will show, and more and more children who don’t exhibit anything really useful. Which leaves the question: how important is it to have certain magical abilities? It’s a bit like thinking you need to have an extra intelligent partner, to get an intelligent child. It might also lead to a change in society if the administration is no longer able to stamp a certain denomination onto your arm. 

6\. Another way you could go is to say e.g. mitochondrial genes. The mitochondrion is the only cell structure apart from the nucleus that has genetic information. It is only passed along via the mother (sperm is too small to carry a mitochondrion, so it’s the oocyte that brings it), meaning: mitochondrial genes are 100% passed on by the mother. This would mean: the denomination is determined by the mother. 

And expanding on that: what if we do have a genetic structure like that? Who says magical beings don’t have an extra chromosome, if not something completely else that non magical people are missing? A certain cell structure? But let’s stick with chromosome, to make it easier. One that brings in the denomination. The more I think about it, the more I like that idea. The chromosome theory was developed in 1902, so at the time of my story, it was not understood what chromosomes do. 

One interesting fact is that if you take girls with XX chromosomes that one of the duplicate genes gets muted. Which is why all calico cats are female. It’s a cross between a black and an orange cat and as the colour is located on the X chromosome, it depends on which one was muted in which cells whether a patch of fur is orange or black. A male cat with only one X will be either black or orange.

So let’s say: you get your two magical chromosomes (one from daddy one from mummy), but upon conception, one gets muted. And to add to that: certain denominations tend to be dominant and have a way to make sure they come out on top. And if you need a scientific explanation for that: it happens because the chromosome carries a gene that produces a protein right away that will permanently mute the other chromosome completely.

Yes, I think I like that final idea because it means, families will still be one of a kind, even if one partner has a different denomination. You’re just stuck with being the odd one out. That would also explain a need to push for marrying within your own denomination if e.g. you know, you’re a shapeshifter, but your children will all be lycanthropes. 

7\. As the question came up: if Axl is a wizard, how did it happen? As Izzy said when he explained it to Duff: Axl’s father was not who the mother claimed he had been. There are different explanations and we won’t find out which one is true: 

a) Axl’s Mum was married to a wizard and lied about it (she moved to Whittlingsfield after Axl was born. But I assume, any marriage documents would give away that she was married to a magical person, so unless this wizard hid his parentage, this is not likely). Also, I would go as far and say: cross-marriages between magicals and non magicals were not allowed and led at least to a prison sentence. Especially if you consider that the magical extra chromosome would prevail, meaning: if magicals would crossbreed with non magicals, they would slowly outbreed non magicals. Like there is a theory that red hair will likely die out sooner or later the more the world population will mix. 

b) She had an affair. This, to be honest, is the more realistic explanation. Axl’s father per birth-certificate is not the real father. Maybe she knew it, maybe she hoped the non-magical husband was the father, maybe she hoped nothing would happen with Baby William. People tend to close their eyes and hope for the best. It was likely also the reason why she left her home town because people suspected something. She thought it was a good idea to start somewhere new. 

So, when Little William suddenly showed magical abilities, this was a huge problem for the mother. They probably went with the changeling-theory, that the perfectly non-magical baby must have been switched and when they noticed, they did the right thing and cast the child that absolutely, definitely was not theirs, out. 

So, yes, in addition to all the shit that happened to him, Axl doesn’t know who his father was and will likely not find out. Unless I write a sequel where he suddenly shows up because he tracked down his former love (he’s a wizard, he can track in case he had a few hairs left, plus he can track down Axl because he is part of himself, as Izzy tracked down the parasite by using the foetus). But I’m not planning that at the moment (I currently don’t think I’ll write a third book after this one. It’s an awesome universe, but as with the Fire Down Below: I’m currently burning a bit out on it).

All right. Yes, I think I will stick with the “extra chromosome who kills off any competition” theory. Like that we don’t get a total genetic muddle and still have harpies and shapeshifters and witches and lycanthropes. 

This also takes care of the Izzy-issue. Izzy is part fae and he does have fae magic (he only refrains from using it in the human world because it leads to chaos and destruction). But the fae are from another world so their genetic does not have to correlate to human genetics. Izzy is therefore a true crossbreed. Which makes Izzy’s children a lot more interesting than Axl’s. Axl will produce little wizards and witches. Izzy will pass on 1/4 fae (I seem to like the idea of making Izzy genetically special, now that I think about it). 

PS: I know I said that Slash breeding with random cats would likely produce more catlike offspring, but given the theory above: they would be shapeshifters. This leads to interesting consequences if your Mum is some random street cat. A bit like Mowgli. Slash! What have you done, you moron? 

Although: Slash got separated from his family at a very young age and didn’t really care that much. I suppose he is really like a cat, down to the total independence. Hopefully, his numerous children will be the same. 

This leads to the next question that comes up again and again: Axl and Axl’s children. We already had the problem with all the shifting: as long as he shifts, he won’t be able to stay pregnant, not even if he gets pregnant. 

But, yes, Axl. Does Axl want children? I really think he would not want to get pregnant and give birth. He has come to terms with his female side, but, really, expecting him to embrace pregnancy when he had issues embracing a vagina is asked a bit much. On the other hand? Axl keeps surprising us. And he does have his motherly instincts, as he said himself. So if by accident, he got pregnant, I can imagine that he might decide to keep it. He would likely hate every moment of the process, but he might decide to keep the child and give him the type of home he didn’t have. 

Would it be a witch/wizard or a shapeshifter? Shapeshifters seem to be quite common, so this might say their genes are a bit stronger. Witches and wizards, on the other hand, are rarer and highly coveted which might mean, while their magical abilities are on the upper scale, they are a bit more difficult to produce. This might mean: if Axl and Slash had children, they would start out as little cats.

So, Axl: if you suddenly feel the need for children, you should ask Izzy and not Slash. Might make things more practical in the long run. I mean: 

At the moment Axl is not even sure he will be allowed to stay in Foxhill, how would he deal with a child on top of all that? And with Slash as the father? Who is a cat and acts like a cat and shows all the responsibility of a cat? All the work would fall on Axl. He would be pretty much your typical working single Mum. Daddy would be there, but not reliable enough to count on him. Izzy might be a vagabond, but where he cares, he shows responsibility and protectiveness. More than is good for him. I think he would take his share of child-rearing even if he and Mum were not a couple.


	10. Regarding Chapter 17

Explanation time, I suppose: Why do I write all this horrible stuff?

When I started the Foxhill stuff it was meant to really be this mainly light-hearted, funny, a bit slapstick like monster hunting story. But the more I wrote, the more I realized that I was creating a world that did not necessarily lend itself to fun and light-heartedness. 

It starts with the setup, which borrows a lot from the third Reich. So far, it’s just touching our hero’s world, but within their own bubble, they are at the moment quite safe. (I do have a few ideas about one of them getting arrested and being confronted with _that_ side of the world, but it won’t happen anytime soon. E.g. I have this one idea in my head where Izzy or Axl or both get arrested and sent to a workcamp and Duff (he’s non magical after all) gets a job as guard and tries to break them free. And Slash gets a job hunting mice as camp-cat).

Anyway, that story won’t happen soon, if at all. Back to the one we have. 

In case you haven’t noticed yet: I think about this world A LOT and only a small part actually makes it into the stories. 

For example: what does monster-hunting really entail? The run of the mill Hollywood version demonizes the monster and it gets killed by the heroes. No hard feelings. 

But in this world, monsters and not-monsters are a mix. The non magical population sees everything magical as “monster”, so you could say, the book is written from the perspective of the monster. I have just added another level where those who are persecuted again hunt others who they perceive as the real monster. But as soon as you have no clear monster/not monster line, things will blur. 

So, when will the monster be monster enough to deserve death? Who makes that decision? 

And I wondered, what would that lead to. It’s really difficult to describe, I realize, but what I want to say is, I thought a lot about what Izzy is really doing. He is killing other magical creatures or at least chasing them away from his part of the world. And while it would be nice to separate the world into good/evil where there is a clear line between who is to be hunted and who is to be protected, I wondered, what would happen if this starts to mesh. 

What if the evil invades Foxhill, in a sense that those Izzy has protected are involved in evil machinations? Willingly or unwillingly? And we know already that “I didn’t mean to” is no excuse for a magical being. Kate was in trouble because somebody tore off her amulet, and she’s the nicest person in the whole fic. 

In addition, Izzy has no structured law-defending-system behind himself. There is the council, but they don’t do much. In the end, Izzy is alone. That’s asked a lot of one person. Whom is he going to sacrifice to keep whom safe? He is always balancing decisions no person should have to make. 

And then there’s the vampire issue where nice and normal people are corrupted into doing things they would never have done before. How much at fault are they for this? How much at fault was Bessie Harris? Is stupidity an excuse? Or a bit of recklessness? When do you stop being a human being and turn into something that should be hunted 

In case you have watches Supernatural, there is this scene where Dean says to Sam: "If you weren't my brother, I would hunt you." That line has left quite the impression with me because it is clearly the issue I have here: who deserves to be hunted? And when will Izzy make a decision that suddenly puts him in the eye of others into the "to be hunted" category? He is often enough toeing the line because he doesn't know what else to do. He would love to be the good guy, but he is constantly forced to make decisions that take him away from that.

The next problem is that (as is also the case in other monster-hunting movies) there is no level of punishment, like e.g a year of prison or probation for smaller infractions or first time offenders, etc. All you have is exile or death. It’s the reason why usually the monsters are so evil that nobody sheds a tear if they are killed. But in my world, I thought there had to be levels in between hero and monster-worth-of-killing. And what do you do with them? 

Bessie Harris gets a slap of the wrist, Jacob gets killed, although if you look closely, their crimes are the same. The decision on who is/isn’t killed is solely based on rehabilitation-chances. Izzy can scare Bessie into never doing what she did ever again, so she does it. Jacob will not stay away from his vampires, so he gets killed. 

The more I thought about how a world like that would really function in reality, the more I realized that it would be very far away from Duff’s sparkling magic wonderland. It would be a swamp, full of inhuman decisions to make and impossible situations to solve. And only Izzy as the only one to muddle through, without help, without any real training for how to handle such situations, just him and what he can and can’t arrange with his conscience. 

He might even have been like Duff at the beginning (not fully, but a little bit), will have struggled the first time he realized he had to kill somebody who was not clearly a monster. He probably did because I tried to make clear in this chapter that he fully understood how Duff was feeling. Because at one time he was in exactly that situation and feeling exactly the same. Only Izzy didn’t have anybody to hold his hand afterwards. He had to make it up with himself and on his own. 

I did think about how much of this world I wanted to show, but to be honest, I think it’s needed to understand the characters. Duff is the reader. He is new, fascinated, curious. I think, all in all, Duff is easy to understand. 

Izzy is not. For me, Izzy’s actions were often very clear, but from the comments, I could see that this was not the case for the reader. And that was when I realized that I have to show the world he is living in, where he is coming from, what has formed him. All that stuff that so far was only in my head. 

A part of Izzy is a killer because somebody had to be. I was reluctant to show this part because I know that it will be painful to read. At least if you expected light-hearted entertainment and funny magical accidents (which is totally cool, I like those, too). But it was the reason why Izzy was often not really understood or perceived as an asshole. Izzy is hard because of his experiences. 

If Duff keeps working with Izzy, he will harden, too. Maybe not to Izzy’s degree, but quite a bit. He might still be the one with the softer heart, but the next time, he will not sit there for an eternity and think. He will be faster to pull the trigger. 

So, I decided, if I wanted to make Izzy believable, (and to me Izzy is the interesting character in this fic because he has more layers than Duff), then I had to bring out the world that has formed him. 

And then I thought, Duff is complaining that Izzy keeps him away from this world and treats him like a child, etc. and then I thought: OK. Duff is like the reader and he doesn’t understand Izzy either if he never gets to see what Izzy is dealing with. And seeing isn’t enough because then he can just judge Izzy’s decisions again. He has to walk a bit in Izzy’s shoes. And that’s why I wrote this scene. Duff gets to experience the other side. 

I do think, regarding character development, a lot has happened. Duff has grown up with at least ten years of experience here. And Izzy has accepted that, if he wants a true relationship, he has to pull his lover down into the mud he is stuck in. He can’t keep Duff all pure and innocent. Duff will get dirty by association. 

Whatever comes out of it, Duff and Izzy do understand each other better after this, and the imbalance between them (which Duff didn’t like and tried to level out somehow) has gotten a lot smaller after this chapter. Duff has stepped up to Izzy’s level of horror, but also to his level of being a grown-up and no longer the innocent apprentice Izzy needs to protect. 

Yeah. So that’s why I’m writing this stuff. To show the world they live in in a more realistic way and also to show that Izzy is not just an asshole in general, but was formed by a world that pushed him against the wall right from the beginning. He refused to only be a victim, but that made him also an offender. He tries to balance this, tries to keep a level of conscience, and I think it’s this struggle that makes him in the end one of the good guys. But the world is so difficult to navigate that he will set a foot onto the wrong side from time to time.


	11. Why Duff is still there

Ugh. What to write about why I write what I write? 

I suppose, I probably should have written a warning at the beginning of the fic. But when I started, I wasn’t yet sure about the details of what I would write, so I didn’t know what to warn about. That’s why I clicked “author chose not to add warning”. And that’s, in the end, what this warning means: there might be stuff that you’ll find disturbing, but the author does not want to spoiler it. So, if you read it, be prepared that you might stumble over stuff you might find repulsive. 

I have added warnings for violence now, but OK, let’s be honest: the issue is not violence but that the main character commits the violence. If I wrote that into the tags, I can just as well write a summary as the first chapter. It is, after all what Duff was supposed to find out over the course of this story, that Izzy is not really who he thought he was and had a much darker side than was obvious at first. 

I thought quite a bit about the last chapters and if I should write them or just say, too controversial, let’s write something easier. Should I write what I want to write or what most people want to read? 

I do write for clicks and kudos and comments. No questions here. That’s my payment. And I totally get off on people liking what I write. Which is why I do have this tendency to give in and add things I normally wouldn’t add because I know it will make people happy. And that’s totally OK, I think. 

But in the end, I have to write the stories I want to write or I turn into the fanfiction version of a commercial writer. So, I thought a lot about what type of writer I want to be. Even within a genre like fanfiction. And I decided, in the end, for me, it’s about writing the book I want to write and not the book I think people want to read. So, when I felt the need to take the turn into darker stuff, I decided to take it. 

What is always very interesting for me is the abyss of the human soul. Nobody is only good or only evil. Everybody is a bit of both and I am sure, what part we show depends on the circumstances we live in. I am absolutely sure that in a different time and place, your average KZ torture guard would be this really nice neighbour who asks you over for his barbeque during summer. I'm also sure that a lot of people who claim they would have manned the Resistance during WW 2 would have at best kept their heads down and at worst bought into the bullshit they were told. 

So, yeah. I like to have a closer look at the darker side of people. 

But this time it’s not Izzy, it’s Duff. Why did I pull him into this shit? You could say, first I deconstructed Izzy step by step and when nobody could anymore believe that Izzy was your golden hero, I had Duff follow in his footsteps. So, saying Duff should just say goodbye and do something sensible with his life, is totally understandable. 

I herewith admit that I took part of my inspiration from Christiane F.’s book “We children of Zoo station.” I have no idea how well known it is outside Germany, but in Germany everybody knows it. It’s the autobiography of a girl around 1975 who was addicted to heroin at the age of 14 in Berlin. It is also great research material in case you want to know how being a heroin addict really feels like, so for all these early-era-GNR fics. It’s also the reason why I usually don’t write junky-fics. The level of depressing is past my limits. 

Anyway. The one fact that stuck with me and that I’m using here was how she said that nobody had ever tried to get her into drugs, on the contrary, that everybody (including her friends who were already using) told her to not do it, not go down that path, that heroin will kill her, that she won’t get anything from them, that she only needed to look at the people around her to see where it was leading, etc. This was not coming from teachers or parents, but from those stuck in the swamp. Her own friends. The people she looked up to.

She still did it. Because she thought those people were cool and she wanted to be cool, too and because she was curious and reckless and made up a million excuses about, hey, she could deal with it all. She was 16 years old when this book was written and that’s what really amazed me, that she had this clear insight: it happened because I wanted it to happen, not because it was anybody’s fault. 

So. That’s what Duff is doing here. Izzy is already down in the swamp and he does keep telling Duff that he shouldn’t follow, shouldn’t do what he has done (but is unable to stop himself, in this case not because of addiction, but because he is as lost about finding a way out as a junky), but Duff, the idiot, still follows him every step of the way. Because he’s curious, because he wants to be part of the cool guys (Izzy and Axl) because he thinks he can handle it. (Spoiler alert: he overestimated himself a bit here). 

The first steps into the world of magic were exciting and colourful and sparkly. A little bit dangerous, a little bit forbidden, too. But doing forbidden things is a heady feeling. Realizing that authority figures (like Father O’Brian) told a lot of bullshit, that it’s up to him to decide what is ethically right and what isn’t and not somebody else, that was a kick for Duff. 

Then he got the first glimpses of the world that lay behind the sparkles. But to be honest, he was already too far in to just move back. Because he would have to leave the sparkling things behind, too, his new friends, his lover, his home, and not to forget: the exciting world of magic. For Duff, magic is the drug here. If he wants to be out, he has to leave the complete scene. 

You could say: he was not yet addicted, but the temptation was bigger than the little voice of caution. 

So, Duff’s first idea was: he can change the rules. He can somehow keep the nasty part away (e.g. by telling Izzy to not torture vampires) and redefine the boundaries. And to a certain degree, it works, because Izzy is willing to compromise his own ethics for Duff and start negotiating with vampires instead of upping his cruelty level until they stop fucking with him. 

But, of course, thinking that he can redefine the terms is not really working because (spoiler alert) reality is what it is and Izzy does not commit cruel acts because he’s so fond of them, but because he sees no way out. That will not change, just because Duff tells him: “but it’s evil” and Izzy saying “oh yes, you’re right, let’s never do it again.”

At this point, Duff is still pretty naïve. You could compare it to Duff convincing Izzy to try and withdraw. And Izzy says, sure, it would be so cool to no longer have this stupid addiction, and, you know what? Let’s do it. And he tries. He gets clean, they laugh and kiss and hug and are happy. For about a week. But the world is still the same, so the next time he is in the same shitty situation, he does what? Yep, does what he always did. 

You could say: the intentions are there, but the only way out would be to really get out. For Izzy to quit his job, move to Cornwall and start working on a fishing boat. Ehm, sorry, wrong fic. But the problem is: the situation is as it is. Izzy has no solution. He deals as best as he can, but reality pulls him back and the more often he does commit cruel acts, the faster he will be to try the next time when he (again) thinks there’s no other way out. 

Or back to the drug example: it’s like saying I only use a little bit when I’m feeling really bad. As some type of self-medicating. It just doesn’t work like that, just as it doesn’t work when Izzy says “but I only do this when things are really dire and I have to”. He will have more and more situations that are really dire and where it seems like a quick way out. For as long as he is doing this job, it will happen. His only way out would be to quit. (and if we want a GNR analogy: that’s what Izzy did. He did not only quit drugs, but everything. Because that was the only way out.)

Or in the sense of this fic: He would have to move to Cornwall, start working on a fisher boat, realize people around them are killed by vampires and say: “not my problem because I’m out.” But when he’s the one who has the skill, the experience, the ability to do something … should he stay out or get back in and risk being right back on the downhill path? 

And this question is such a big one that it’s the main plot in lots of action movies all over the planet: the retired hero being pulled in and doing the same shit that pretty much destroyed him before. But, hey, it’s for the greater good. Unless he does something that surpasses my level of comfort, then it’s no longer OK. 

But back to Duff: 

While Izzy is bad news all in all, he does show a lot of love and commitment and protectiveness and to Duff that might be worth it. A bit like eating too much unhealthy stuff when we do know we’ll get diabetes later. But not yet, and right now it tastes so good, so we ignore the consequences. 

The sensible thing to do for Duff would have been to take the job Lady Elvira offered him and stand next to food. He would have been reasonably well paid (footmen were not that badly paid, especially as there were quite a few career options. And as Duff is good with numbers, he might have become an important person for a household). 

But the sensible thing was boring. That’s often a problem. Adrenaline is addictive. I once read a book about women who have one abusive relationship after the other and one of the points that stuck with me was that while the bad moments in these relationships are really bad, the good ones feel a lot more intense, too. Everything feels more intense, to a point where a relationship with a nice, normal guy feels boring. 

The emotional turmoil is at the same time horrible and exciting, especially as positive feelings who follow on e.g. fear, anxiety, etc. are perceived a lot stronger than if they stand alone. There is a reason why make-up-sex is kind of glorified in fiction when in fact it is a shitty way to deal with relationship conflict. 

I think it is safe to say that every single member of GNR in real life had a tendency to take the exciting over the mundane, no matter the danger and while these characters are close to original characters, they are a little bit based on their real counterparts. At 22, Duff thought he was invincible. He took risks nobody should take. He made stupid decisions. He definitely picked excitement over a sensible life, up to a point where he was pretty much dead at 30. 

So, what would be the natural consequence of this storyline? I can say that I’m not going to kill Izzy, but by all means, for your general Hollywood plot, he should get killed on the job sooner or later. By taking one risk too much and die the hero’s death. As an alternative, he might go completely rogue until it comes to a point where Duff eventually has to kill Izzy. 

And if this was Hollywood 1980, Izzy would at the last moment do something heroically to save Duff and die that way. (I always hated that plotline: death as the natural end of a redemption arc. It always felt so lazy, like the writers had no idea what to do with this flawed character and so they killed him in the end, and have everybody shed a few tears and feel ethically superior). 

I won’t go there, so don’t worry. But yeah. You can spin this on and on and on. 

Izzy being thrown completely out of kilter and dying for whatever reason would then be the reason for Duff to overthink his own life-choices and reconsider the path he is on and make changes. By staying away from the magical community for good, for example. And then, ten years later, when he has a wife and a handful of kids, something magical would happen around his family and pull him back in because he is the only one who knows how to deal with shit like that. And he does know because Izzy, who is now crazy and dead, taught him. And then his own wife would be the one who realizes that she doesn’t know as much about her husband as she thought, because (just like Izzy before him) Duff has never really been able to talk about his trauma. 

Anyway. He would have to go back to Foxhill, talk to Axl (who is not really his friend anymore, but old and jaded and still hating Duff because he killed Izzy, but knowing at the same time that he had no other alternative because Izzy was totally crazy and would have died sooner or later anyway) and … yeah. Same shit, next circle. 

But, as I said, that’s not going to happen. 

What I want instead is a story where good people do bad things and bad people do things that are not fully bad. Izzy said to Duff, that only those who are not really at fault are caught and killed, while the brain behind the operation remains untouched. It’s just like that in real life, too. Look wherever you want, it’s the concept behind everything. If you have money, power, influence you get away with so much more than somebody without support. 

And while he doesn’t like this, Izzy is about to play exactly this game: he can take out the minions and he hits them with full brutality, but he’s about to make a deal with the vampire lord because he has no chance to take him out. 

So, yeah. So much about the last chapter and why Duff didn’t decide to get a normal job and stand next to food for a lot more money and a lot less trouble. :)


	12. Chapter 22

I need a break! The last three chapters were really exhausting. And I apologize that there are quite a few awkward sounding paragraphs, but … I had to get it out somehow. I should probably edit that a bit to make it sound smoother. But, to be honest, I know that one day I will hit a huge block again and then I’ll have time enough to edit everything I have written over the last year, if I feel it’s necessary. But there is one rule to writing: for as long as the creativity flows, make use of it and stop caring about the rest. Also: my keyboard is giving up. I'm writing too much. There are quite a few keys now that come or come not if I hit them and I have to make tons of corrections because the letter did not show. And there are always a few I don't pick up on. So, yeah, sorry. I'm aware that stylistic quality is lacking again. 

So. The Villain. 

Claudius is my first attempt at writing a real villain ever. I did write bad people before, sure, but they were always just that: bad people in the form of cardboard cut-outs. 

This time I wanted a true adversary, one I could keep up for a whole series of books if I wanted to. (So, spoiler alert: Izzy is not going to kill him or anything. Claudius is meant to stay and be this constant thorn in his flesh. This was mainly his introduction as a character, so that I can use him again at a later date). 

So, how do you write a villain? I realized I had no idea. Consequently, I did some research. And I thought a bit about superhero comics because those have the best supervillains. I also realized that writing this true evil, maniacally cackling monster who eats little kittens for breakfast and plots world domination after dinner is boring. It doesn’t give me anything. To be interesting, even a villain needs relatable moments, during which I do not just simply hate him. 

OK. First: as every character, your villain needs a backstory that defines who he is today, and for unknown reasons I wanted a Roman soldier. Maybe because I wanted somebody who really has to offer something to Izzy and the one thing, I could think of was: knowledge. The other possibility would have been the evil wizard, but I liked the idea that it would be somebody of a completely different type of magical creature. 

While Claudius is not a wizard himself, he had a lot of time to still acquire at least huge theoretical knowledge on magic. Making him somebody who would need a wizard to then perform most of the magic, makes the relationship with Izzy more interesting. Claudius may know what he wants done, he may know how it can be done, but he does not possess the power to perform the ritual. For that, he might need Izzy. Which also gives him an incentive to not turn Izzy, as it would carry the risk that his abilities are lost. He wants a wizard on his side, not another vampire. And as he is already holding one new Damocles sword over Izzy’s head, he already has a foot in the door to make him do something for him. Something not too questionable, just a little bit. 

Izzy is pretty much self-taught. It was an issue for him because it made his youth sucky. Then he thought he had finally found somebody who was able to explain things to him (the Fae) and was betrayed. So, teaching has a high allure for him, but at the same time makes him wary because he has learned that everything comes at a price. With Claudius, he thought he had negotiated the price and knew what it was, but … maybe not. We’ll see. 

Anyway, Claudius. So far, he doesn’t have much of a backstory (I didn’t make up 2000 years of history for him), but I needed a bit to have personality. I made him a centurion and not a tribune because he would be the type who had worked himself through the ranks. Like that he would have some understanding for Izzy’s underdog-mentality. He respects if somebody started with little and made a lot out of it. 

Also, the situation during which he was turned is similar to something that might happen to Izzy one day. Stumble into a situation you thought you were prepared for, only to realize that it was something completely else. 

After that, he spent the next 2000 years adapting. He changed from a soldier to a politician. He learned that alliances are important. He increased his influence, got a reputation, became somebody to be reckoned with. He may be evil (he is evil, let’s not forget that), but he has learned but that if you constantly betray your alleys, you will have difficulties to find new alleys. A successful villain will know when to be dependable and when not. 

Izzy is at a similar point. He is, for the first time, trying to not kill but arrange himself with an adversary. He has to make huge, personal concessions for that (as in: I’m not negotiating with vampires!), but he does. It doesn’t work well, but he’s trying. He just needs to get more cunning. 

(A bit of that is shadowed over to Duff, too, by the way, who suddenly realizes, too, that he has to adapt and compromise his ethics, his way of acting, etc. if he wants to survive in the shark pond). 

But, yeah, it’s mainly about Izzy and Claudius, not so much Duff. Which, again, while I do like Duff’s perspective somehow, in the end, it’s all about Izzy. I’m pretty sure, if I was ever trying to publish this story (which I’m not planning), that would be a huge no-go for the editor. 

And I’m really, really considering writing the next book (if there is going to be one) from Izzy’s POV because now all his backstory is out in the open, there is nothing he’s hiding anymore, and it would give me the freedom to do stuff without having Duff look over his shoulder all the time. I could give him alone time with Axl, with the council, and I could have him slip into shit with Claudius. 

But, OK. So. The hero and the villain should have some common ground. (At least in this version, there are surely different approaches). It’s the typical “in another life we could be friends” trope. Age difference is popular in hero-villain relationships, too. Often the villain starts out in some type of mentor role and then the hero realizes that the villain is all evil and has only tried to use him and turns against him. 

Here it’s the other way round: Izzy knows that the villain is all evil right from the beginning, but has no real choice but to deal with him …somehow. The risk is that dealing with the villain might compromise Izzy’s ethics, a bit like dealing with Izzy compromises Duff’s ethics. 

In the end you can say: the villain and the hero have to be more than just two persons, no matter how well thought out. They need a relationship. You could say, it’s a love affair gone wrong. Therefore, you need points where they touch and points where the rub against each other. 

You could make a list for each of them: what are their positive characteristics and what are their negative characteristics. Then you look where they are similar and where they are completely different. And then you start to wonder: which of those characteristics would draw them towards each other and which would cause conflict. Same goes for their strengths and weaknesses. 

Eg. Izzy and Claudius share a lot. If Izzy had another 2000 years in his line of work, he might turn from shooting everything to a certain, Machiavellian diplomacy, too. It would get him further than just running against walls all the time. He would probably really need a few hundred years as diplomacy does not come natural to him, but he’s not stupid and with time should learn how to play the game.

Plus, he already has to deal with councils, administrations, police, and now vampires and if he reached an age where he was a few hundred years older than all the pesky council members, he would have learned how to manipulate them. And I’m sure, he would do it. 

Right now, he is just too young for that. So, Claudius does see a younger version of himself in Izzy and vampire or not, it’s at least attracting him somehow and has turned his idea from “I need to kill him” to “maybe I can use him.”

Their main difference is that Claudius has no issue with cruelty while Izzy suffers each time, he has to be cruel. Also, Izzy feels responsible for those around him while Claudius uses them for his purpose. As soon as they are no longer useful, he has no qualms to get rid of them. I guess that’s what you get for being a vampire. 

Claudius might have been not that different to Izzy personality wise before he was turned, but being transformed into a vampire killed the compassionate part Izzy still has. You could say: their general characters are similar, but their ethics are opposed. 

So, a common hero/villain relationship part is the villain trying to get the hero to turn dark. We have established: Claudius would like that idea. Izzy has rejected it as nonsense so far because the idea seems so ridiculous to him, but he will probably realize that Slash was not that far off. 

To turn our hero to the dark site we need: temptation, motivation, weakness, occasion and we need a villain who will provide at least the last one of those. 

Izzy’s temptation is clear: knowledge, a better grip on his powers. Also, he is somebody with a tendency to give in to temptation as soon as he gets overwhelmed. 

Motivation: always for the greater good, of course. Some kind of threat he feels he can’t avert, and a hero will always be somebody to cast caution to the wind. Usually, some deep personal emotions are added, like losing a loved one to the threat. For Izzy to really give in, you’d probably have to kill either Duff or Axl or, even better, kidnap them and threaten with killing them, so that Izzy will more or less sacrifice his good side in order to get them back. Personal investment is important to provide believable reason for the hero to abandon all hope and take the plunge. 

Weakness: Izzy is mentally unstable. He gets easily overwhelmed, and has a certain arrogance that makes him take unnecessary risks. Also, his positive character traits, like his protectiveness or feeling of responsibility, can easily be turned against him. Add his abandonment issues, his general insecurities in showing positive feelings, and you get a volatile mixture that only needs a spark to explode. 

Occasion: usually the occasion will be that the villain is not the direct threat in that situation, but has something to offer that might help the hero, but comes as a price. E.g. Izzy could ask Claudius for help to defeat somebody else he can’t get access to, and get Duff or Axl back and therefore he will owe him something and when that debt is to be paid, he’ll make the next step into the darkness. A bit like getting indebted to the mafia. 

Usually it’s not just one jump, but one step after the other, until the hero is past the point of no return. At least personally I prefer that kind of descent into darkness to the one where the hero takes the plunge and comes out evil. Depends on how much time you have. If you have only one book (or one movie) you usually need the one big event. If you have a series, you can take it in small steps until the hero realizes that he now has to make the decision to either go fully rogue or turn around (and usually he will have to make some huge type of sacrifice to save his good side, like giving up most of his power, something like that). For Izzy would likely be something like moving away from Foxhill because he realizes he can’t handle the constant need to protect those around himself anymore. 

To be honest, I have ideas like woah for all of this. I only don’t know if it’s worth writing them all. I mean, you can only keep one and the same universe interesting for so long and dark fantasy fics are not a common GNR fanfiction topic. The audience is rather small (which is, why I’m really happy for everybody who still follows this madness!). 

Anyway, at the one end I have this huge world with countless possibilities in my head, and on the other hand, each book takes about two months to write as a first draft and that only if I write pretty much fulltime. And I have other ideas cropping up, too. 

On the other hand, what is really cool is that while writing all this, the characters get more and more detailed. If I would now decide to just start new, with Duff arriving in Foxhill, I would have a far better idea about who everybody is. They would be a lot more consistent in their behaviour, not only the main characters, but also the side characters. I also realize where I have written myself a bit into a corner and now have to struggle with premises I have made earlier, but, wtf, I have set the world up like this, now I can’t just change it. 

Yeah, so. Claudius. I don’t want him as this one-time baddie who gets defeated and is gone, but as Izzy’s long-time counterpart. E.g., Claudius could try to pull Izzy into his conflict with McPherson. And as Izzy said, if McPherson is the alternative (I didn’t mention him more, but I have this idea that he is really this blood-thirsty monster who eats kittens for breakfast) he will happily deal with Claudius. So, in the sense of: “we have a common enemy,” Izzy might grit his teeth and help Claudius get rid of McPherson. 

So … the villain. A good villain is worth a lot for a storyline, and what I have learned for myself is: I can’t really write somebody I fully hate. Among all their negative characteristics they need these tiny kernels I can relate to. And if it is only a shared fascination we have regarding this stubborn, cocky, loony wizard in the neighbourhood.


	13. Number 3

So. Yeah. I did start a little bit on the next book and realized: it’s totally different than I expected!

As you may have noticed, the next one is going to be Izzy’s POV and you might also have noticed that it’s the first time he does get a POV. So far everybody was only ever trying to find out what was going on in Izzy’s head. Now we’re going to be inside Izzy’s head. And that’s … more difficult than I thought. 

Duff is outgoing, social, and (unless he’s cursed) has no problems to talk. Izzy is exactly the other way round. That guy lives inside his head and while a lot is going on there, and although it’s interesting for me to write out all of his thinking, I’m not sure it’s interesting to read. 

Usually, all that “in the head” stuff should be shown by actions, dialogues, etc, with the internal stuff sprinkled in. With Duff, that was easy. He is curious, touches stuff, is quick to make acquaintances, etc. He can talk to somebody and have his own thoughts at the same time. And it was fun to have those contradicting each other, e.g., when he was totally nice to somebody while thinking ‘you idiot’. 

Also, during the first two books I have set Izzy up as a person who is not very tuned in to his environment. He often doesn’t notice people, forgets who they are (or pretends to), forgets where he put his things, etc. That also means, he is not walking around like Duff, watching, observing, describing what he sees around himself. It’s more like he’s walking through a tunnel most of the time, lost in thoughts.

What do you do with a character who can sit around and brood for hours? I have written maybe 1,5 chapters so far and I already realize: where Duff was very connected to his environment (also because a lot was new to him), and made it come alive through interactions, with Izzy there is a wall. Not only between him and the outer world, but also between him and Duff and him and Axl. 

The worst is: My first idea was to change this, but I suppose this is in character. Also, during the first two books and the prequels, there has always been a wall between Izzy and the others. Even Duff. Even Axl. And I suppose, that is in sync with a character who is basically a case of major depression. Whenever I get really depressed, I feel like I’m watching the world through a huge window. I’m on one side and everybody else is on the other side and I can’t interact. I feel lonely, but don’t want people around. I don’t want to be at home, but definitely don’t want to go outside. 

I suppose I could write a depressed character with enough credibility because I really know how it feels. But I also do know that I was never able to read books with depressed main characters. Why? Because it all hit far too close to home for comfort. So, writing one is at the same time cathartic and depressive. 

And to read it might be depressive, too, and, honestly? I have the feeling most people don’t really want to read it either. At least not if it’s not only “poor Izzy”, but also leads him to behave petty, unfriendly, uncommunicative and in general … emotionally constipated. But that’s what depression often is, not so much a “I am so sad because of my wretched childhood, comfort me” but a feeling of anger, helplessness, passive-aggressive behaviour or (depending on the type) full aggressive behaviour, blaming, feelings of being treated unfairly, etc. 

Depression does not turn you into a nice person, but into a needy one who at the same time tends to reject offers of help. It’s extremely contradictory. At least from my experience. Accepting help can be really difficult because it requires change and change is impossible. 

Izzy blaming Duff silently for not helping him? That’s typical! Feeling overwhelmed, not being able to admit it, blaming others for not reading his thoughts and automatically jumping in to take over what really is not their responsibility, but his. I’ve done all that. 

Really, if Izzy said one time to Duff that he simply was on his last leg, Duff would help him. Because he’s the type. If Izzy asked him to please, please take over for one night, it wouldn’t be a problem. But, hey, admitting to weakness? Asking for help? Not possible. 

So, yeah, if I do write from Izzy’s perspective, there will be a whole lot of uncharitable stuff because that’s the way he is thinking, even if he is not necessarily acting on it. He can love Duff all he wants, he will now and then think stuff about him that is not nice. That’s why it’s so much easier to sympathise with Duff and have Duff as main character. 

Anyway, this might make it interesting because for the first time, with his daughter, Izzy is not able to keep this wall up and keep her at an emotional distance like he does with everybody else. She just crashes his carefully built-up barriers and he is at a loss of how to deal with the sudden flood of emotions. I assume, it would scare him. And he would try to hide it. He would probably be all lovey-dovey when he’s alone with her, and pretend to be all rational and a bit distant when others are around. 

And that was when I realized: I haven’t wasted a single thought on how Izzy would react to suddenly having a child. One he didn’t plan, one he didn’t want, one he was prepared to show responsibility for because that’s the thing you do, but not one he was prepared to love the way he suddenly does. He had expected a burden he was willing to carry for Axl’s sake and was presented with something that completely changed his life. 

So. Yes. What will come up? I have thought a bit about the plotline (sadly there’s still a huge plot hole in the middle), but I do need something to lay over it. E.g., in the first book, it was Duff struggling with a new world and his own prejudices. In the second one it was Duff’s feelings of inferiority and building a relationship with somebody who is not made for relationship. 

And the third one? It will likely be Izzy sudden emotional turmoil. 

The mean thing here is: I didn’t plan it that way. I needed a child to have Izzy take unreasonable risks. And then I realized: that’s bad writing. You can’t just toss in a child and not write about how it affects the life of people around. Especially with Izzy and his fear of losing people, his lost family and this weird responsibility-complex he has. It will overthrow his existence and pretending that he will just go on to slay monsters makes no sense. I mean, just think about that moment when she turns 14 and has to get the tattoo. They will have to lock Izzy up to keep him from committing some major act of terrorism..

I know most people asked for “Axl’s child” but, honestly, for me it’s more interesting that it’s “Izzy’s child”. Because Izzy is not prepared to have one and he does not have the personality that would automatically make him a good father. And then, of course, he has the not very feminist hang-ups of his time about gender roles. 

I give him kudos for stepping up to the role of progressive, modern father, although he does so only under pressure. But he does. Which is more than 90% of fathers would have done in 1870. It helps that Axl is male, too and that there is no nursing involved. If things were different, it would be easy to leave Axl with 90% of the shit jobs until the baby was weaned. And, sorry, that’s what Izzy would do because it’s what every man of that time would do. 

Which leads a bit to: pregnancy and children in fiction. Oh yes, big topic. For me, at least. 

As we have already established, I’m old as fuck and grew up in a time where mothers were not a thing in popular fiction. Heroes were male. The woman was there for the hero to a) have non committing sex with a woman who would pout like a porn star as soon as she was deprived of the hero’s sexual attentions, b) fall in love with (usually unhappily, mostly because she was not understanding of his world-saving hero role) c) save out of distress or d) go on a rampage for. 

D) was the only case that allowed the woman to be a mother. Usually, she had been killed along with the baby in some brutal act and the depressed and suicidal widower now went on a rampage to hunt down the killer. Which made it possible for him to do a) b) or c). 

Apart from that, (male) heroes had no children. They had to be unattached, so that a), b) and c) could happen (see above). Also: women had no personality and they did not exist apart from male characters. 

Yes, there were exceptions, but what I describe above was the rule. I have to admit that it has formed my understanding of women, up to a point where I never wanted to be a girl, simply because I grew up with a portrayal of girls that had nothing to offer to me. It is, up to today, the reason why I have a hard time writing good female characters. They simply were not present during my formative years. 

Then we suddenly had the first heroines, as in female police officers, etc. They couldn’t have children either (or if they had, they were the motherly type, but definitely not the tough, sexy hero type) for one simple reason: upon getting children, a woman could no longer jump into danger because … Yeah, because what? I don’t think a reason was ever given why fathers still endangered themselves while mothers never would. 

I suppose we all know the plotline of “career woman inherits children, usually from a dead sister, and suddenly realized that she doesn’t want a career, but a family and tosses her career to the wind for the kids”. Yep. That’s the reason. As soon as a woman turns into a mother, she is only that and nothing else. Being a mother negates any other personality traits. 

Read Anne of Green Gables? I did, all of them, up to the last one in WW1. And what shocked me most was how this lively, adventurous girl was at the end only “mother”. All her personality eradicated and she sat at home and worried about her children. Yes, I know, really old book, but that was, for a long, long time, the reason why heroines would not have children. Because it put an end to being a heroine. Or being a person, really. 

Then people seemed to realize that women did get children and all of a sudden, ALL female heroes had to get pregnant. I thought that was about as obnoxious as nobody ever getting pregnant. 

By the way, before everybody was getting pregnant, all tough cop-women would sooner or later be raped. Or had been raped in their youth. It was as if being raped was the only thing that could make them tough enough to take on the heroine role. Rape as “formative moment” is another one of my pet peeves. Just as “pregnancy to prove that she’s really a woman”. And, yes, that was all pregnancy was meant to show. 

At first, it was usually unplanned pregnancies because heaven forbid tough cop lady plans a family, takes a few months off and returns to work to be tough cop lady again. It was also popular to have her miscarry, so that we had all the woes of unplanned pregnancy, but wouldn’t have to bother with a child later. Very popular was the version of “tough pregnant cop lady gets stabbed in the belly and loses the child that way”. Probably a similar formative moment like being raped. 

So, yes, I do have a love/hate relationship with children in fiction. On the one hand, I think they are part of life and should be there. And if they are portrayed as part of life, I think it’s absolutely fine. On the other hand, they are so often there to make a point, be it “yes, she is really a woman with all female needs and wishes and not just a fighting machine” or “OK, now she is no longer suitable for the tough job she had before and we need to show the decline towards motherhood as the true calling”. 

I’m kind of doing the same here, so I’m guilty of this, too, which shows how ingrained certain stereotypes are. I do see them and still use them. 

But it’s also why it is really important for me that it’s not Axl who is struggling with the baby here. No, pregnancy was not his ideal idea of spending his time, but, hey, that guy identifies as male, had fought so hard to be at least partly male and was suddenly pushed back to being all female. Of course, it will make him unhappy. It is, by the way, also why I jumped the whole pregnancy phase. I don’t need Axl to struggle with his self-hate again. We had that before. 

So, now that the baby is there, he definitely won’t “struggle with motherhood” or any such shit. It’s his child, he will take care of her, period. And he won’t stop being himself or doing what he has always done. He integrates Abbie into his life not stops having a life. And he makes sure that the people around him, which he has supported for years, jump in and do what is needed so that it is possible for him to stay himself. 

So, yeah, for a change, I want the father to struggle, simply because he has no idea how this will change him, define him, what he is even supposed to do, what his responsibilities are. Izzy can’t fall back on the traditional “provider role”. Axl is the provider. Axl is also the one who is better educated (as a rector’s son he will have received a good education until the age of fifteen, at least), so he will be the one to teach her (whatever school they have in Foxhill will be bare minimum and if universities don’t accept magical students, schools outside Foxhill won’t either so they’ll have to teach her themselves).

What will Izzy even do? He did not exactly envision him as nappy-changer, but that’s what he is currently settled with because, sorry: it’s what he has to offer! Somebody has to bring home the bacon and it’s not him. 

Progressive father or not, if he is only halfway a man of his time, this will all come as a blow for his self-confidence. And Izzy’s self-confidence is not the best. 

So, when eventually the danger part comes along (I guess we all agree that there will be the “Abbie-is-in-danger” part because I’m not above using the poor child as a plot devise) he might not only risk everything because she is his daughter, but because he also feels that finally he has something to offer that fits with the traditional male self-concept. Everything else that is usually “the man’s job” (provide a roof over the head and put food onto the table) is done by Axl. 

Izzy may joke about being a kept man, but having his daughter realize that Daddy is not the one paying for her toys … yeah … that might be painful. Once she is no longer a baby. But we know Izzy, he’s good at worrying ahead. 

And for Abbie? We won’t get there yet because that won’t be an issue for a long time, but while growing up with a strong, non-traditional mother and a father who will value her happiness more than tradition is on the one hand a good thing, it will on the other hand make life difficult for her because: Society won’t agree with her. It might make her strong, but it might not make her happy. 

To be honest, I can’t see her just taking over the shop and being A. Rose III. She might even resent the expectation. For Axl, it was a huge thing because before he was denied all his witchiness and suddenly being allowed to be in the middle of so much magic was a gift. For Abbie it will be what everybody expects her to be, the next witch of Foxhill, and if she is a little bit like her parents, she will say: stuff it. I’m my own person. 

And that will be difficult for Axl because the shop is his life. A bit like a father who doesn’t understand that his son doesn’t want to take over the family farm. 

I guess Izzy will take it easier and say, OK, go and be wild and untamed and you know, if you need a place to come back to, you will always have it. Izzy will fret for as long as she is a child, but when the moment comes to let her go, I think it will hurt him like hell, but he will do it.


	14. Part III Chapter II

No, I haven’t stopped having a break. It’s just that the weather is pretty cold again and my spring plans are on hold. 

Also: I have changed my approach to writing for this fic. So far, everything I have ever written has been written chronologically. For Part II that turned out to be a bit frustrating sometimes because I had scenes I really wanted to write, but which needed about five other scenes in between. When I now reread those chapters, I notice that they are full of typos or even fucked up sentences, simply because while I did two rounds of proof reading and spell checking, etc. that’s not comparable to the amount of re-reading I normally do. But I wanted to get those scenes out of the way, so that I could write what I looking forward to writing. 

This time I have therefore started to write the scenes I want to write at the moment the wish became urgent. Instead of doing the “veggies first, dessert later” approach, I am having dessert first and afterwards I don’t mind fiddling with the in between stuff that is simply necessary, but not overly fun. 

Also, for the last two fics I really did it in a structured and goal-oriented way. There were a lot of moments where I really didn’t feel like writing and definitely not like plotting or where I didn’t feel like writing the part I had to write and I did it anyway. 

This is something I currently don’t have the energy for, and I suppose, that’s what I meant when I said I needed a break, from keeping up with the not-so-fun part. One look at the myriads of unfinished fic on the archive should tell you enough about that part of writing. 

It will be interesting to see if this different approach works out because fics change while I write them. Also, I admit, while I do have a basic outline for this one, it scares me a bit. I think the last one was story-line-wise rather complex (for me). There were several plotlines, they came together well in the end, there was a bit of a riddle and detours and surprises. It was definitely the most complex fic I have written so far. I have read published books with less complex plot, so, I’m rather proud about it. 

So, yeah, what about the next one? Ugh. I don’t think I’m up to doing another one like that. 

I realized that I do enjoy the Izzy POV, although it’s a lot more difficult than Duff’s, simply because he lives in his head and there are these huge paragraphs where he’s just thinking those convoluted thoughts of his. But they are part of his personality, so I can’t just take them out. 

It also gives me opportunity to offer insight about his thoughts and feelings about events in the previous parts. And I do like to write his not fully mentally stable viewpoints on things because writing from a non-reliable perspective is fun. It will (later) (hopefully) always be a bit questionable if his view on things is still accurate or imbalanced. 

Also (sob) I feel like he was so often so misunderstood by readers because the front he tries to present is at odds with how he’s really feeling. 

In addition, writing Duff in the first fic (and partly the second one) was fun because he was out of his depth. New world, etc. Now Izzy is completely out of his depth, because family, baby, things he has no idea about, had never thought he would have to deal with, isn’t even sure he really wants and still knows he would do everything for. That must be confusing. 

Duff, on the other hand, is getting sure in his new life. He’s got a grip on the situation around himself, his new job, his new home and that he’s the non-magical one isn’t an issue anymore. He just uses whatever means are available to him and gets along. As always, Duff landed on his feet. (That’s something that I think is totally interesting about real life Duff, too. No matter the shit he gets himself into, ultimately, he lands on his feet, That’s not just luck, it’s a personality trait.) 

I also kind of love Izzy’s totally screwed self-perception. I mean, of course, for him it was totally OK to grow up in squalor, nothing wrong with that, makes you all tough and independent and streetwise after all. But heaven forbids his precious baby girl has to make do with anything that is not perfect. 

So, you could say, it’s the good old “fish out of water” storyline again. 

But, what’s the big issue here? Is it really just the baby? Naaaah, of course not. Sadly, poor Abbie is mainly a plot devise, although I do try to give her a tiny bit of personality. My biggest fear is that she might grow up and be totally precocious, as children in stories tend to do. 

I want her to be this snot nosed brat with scraped knees and messy hair, not her parents’ adorable joy everybody likes so much. I want the neighbours to complain about her and I want her to be angry a lot and at odds with a world that keeps her from unfolding her wings. 

And we’re not likely to ever see her reach that state, although it would be cool somehow to write some one shots about Abbie growing up and driving her parents crazy. 

But, yeah, at the moment she’s just this tiny, screaming baby, so what’s Izzy’s problems?

1\. Somebody is depending on him and he feels unprepared. Also, he feels responsible for how all of Abbie’s life might develop in a world that is absolutely hostile towards magical people. They can’t go to school, they can’t get any well-paying job, they can’t move where they want and they are at the whim of constantly changing laws. He may overblow his worries, but really? Most of it is justified, it’s just that it doesn’t help to worry about things you can’t change. And he can’t change any of that. 

Also, his worries about Abbie’s health are justified, too. Child mortality was rampant, up to a point where people tried to not get too attached to a baby until it was about a year old. Sometimes they didn’t even get a name before it was clear that the baby would survive. Also, Abbie is a bit of a miracle baby, unexpected and never to be repeated. 

2\. Freedom. Yes, Izzy has pretty much settled after his return to Axl, but I don’t think he is fully aware of it. He still had his little escapes into freedom, he still might have thought of himself as this untamed spirit, but that is over now. And, sorry, it is because we all know: _Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose!_ (thanks, Janis) Izzy suddenly has a lot to lose. 

First there was Duff who demanded a certain accountability from him (which is good because it hopefully prepared him a little bit) and now it’s even worse. He promised to stay and be this responsible person. And he means it and does his best, but for somebody with Izzy’s flight instincts, that might be scary. He can’t even take Abbie and run because Abbie will live where Axl lives. If Izzy meant what he said, that he will be supportive, then he has to stay in the same place for the next 20 years. And while he has already stayed there for the previous ten years, I don’t think it truly registered. I’m pretty sure, in his mind, he was packing up and leaving more often than not. 

3\. Izzy is unconventional. Everybody tells him that his social skills are lacking, but what is really lacking is conventional behaviour. Izzy cares a lot and when he is really needed, he is dependable. I think there wasn’t one scene so far where he let a person down who truly needed his help. But he does not understand how social interactions truly work or rather: he is utterly bored by them and can’t be arsed to learn them. Which is a difference. He could learn them if it was that important to him. 

To be honest, I know how that feels because I tried it. I really, really tried to be this sociable, chit chat, small talk person because I got hit over the head for my lacking social behaviour all the time (the kindergarten teacher told my Mum that something was wrong with me because I spent so much time doing solitary activities) and I realized that in order to have some type of working success, you have to play the game. 

Folks, it’s exhausting! I hated it. And it felt like no amount of social clout could ever be worth all those wasted hours I could have spent … writing weird fanfiction. Forcing an introvert into being an extrovert should be included as a new chapter within the Geneva conventions. Honestly, it’s mental abuse. And telling introverts that they are “wrong” somehow, should get an -ism word. Like anti-introvertism. 

I’ve once read a very interesting article about intellectually gifted people and their perceived nerdiness and lack of social abilities and I would pack Foxhill - Izzy into that corner because given where he comes from and what he made out of his talents, he can be considered gifted. 

The tenor of this text was that a lot of them are simply bored by everyday small talk. Give them something to talk _about_ and they show just as much social interactions as everybody else. But all this “nice weather, did you hear that XYZ bought a new car, what do you think about Covid vaccination, hm, I’m so unsure, I’m not sure what to cook for dinner tonight” doesn’t do anything for them. 

High IQ people talk more rationally, less feeling-driven, more to the point, more scientifically based and are faster finished with a subject. E.g. once they have explained the scientific background behind Covid vaccination, they don’t see any need to further discuss why somebody is so unsure about them. Topic over, all facts on the table, discussion closed. 

But normal social gatherings consist 99% of inane talking because it is not about exchanging information, but about forming social connection. Once I had understood that, that whatever you say is totally unimportant and should be totally unimportant, it got easier for me to do it. And you can laugh now, but I really, really did not understand that before and thought you talked to exchange information. And now, when I do that, I feel totally funny, as if I’m playing a role and secretly make fun of it (which, to be honest, I do), but since then people chat me up more often. It boggles the mind!

Take the scene with Izzy and Claudius. Can you imagine Izzy talking about the weather with him? Or about whether he likes Yorkshire better than Cumbria? Probably not. But the moment they had a common topic, they were able to talk. They could probably talk about magic for hours. Days. 

It’s also part of what Izzy values about Duff, his keen interest in all things magical. It doesn’t matter that they are not on the same level, he’s happy to bring at least Duff’s theoretical level of knowledge up to his own. It’s the interest that counts. 

Take any of the normal people in Foxhill and their everyday needs and topics and he gets bored and feels like he’s wasting his time. And develops flight instincts. It’s like those neighbours who spot you in the supermarket and start chatting and all you can think is “how do I get out of this without coming across as a total asshole?” In the end, you always come across as the asshole, no matter how much time you waste because in the end, you will be the one who has to finish the chat. 

So, Izzy is not socially inept, just unconventional. 

But: as soon as you have a child, people expect you to be conventional. Women still complain until today that the moment they have a baby they stop being a person and are turned into “mother” in the public perception. Everything they are, do, etc. is seen in relation to the baby, what they do, how they live, what they eat! (You sure you should eat that? Aren’t you still breastfeeding? That might lead to gas). 

As soon as you have a child, you are turned into public property and everybody is allowed (no, not allowed, it’s their DUTY) to tell you how to live your life. People might have left Izzy alone so far because he was a bit weird and refused to marry any of their hopeful daughters and lived with this equally unmarried witch instead, but now he’s got a child, and, OMG, they would miss out on their civic duty if they weren’t telling him all that he does do wrong. 

Shouldn’t he be looking for a steadier job? Is it really OK that he is living off the mother’s (you can bet that in the public eye Axl will be perceived as more female again, no matter that he’s back to regular shifting) income? A child needs married parents, why are they still living in sin? And isn’t he keeping a lover on the side? Wouldn’t it be time to end that? 

Personally, I got a bit of that when I married. My second name is pretty extraordinary and there was no way I would let it go. It is part of my sense of self. My husband wanted to keep his name, too, so we don’t have the same name. It was never an issue for us. It was a huge issue for everybody else. And who got the pressure? Yep. Me, of course. The craziest reason I heard was: but what if you have children? People might think your husband is not the father! 

And I was like: who bloody cares what people think? But yeah, hypothetical children who were not even planned yet, might suffer if me and my husband have not the same last name and people felt it was their duty to inform me about that!

Normally I would say: Izzy would give a fuck. And he will pretend to give a fuck. But it will be nagging at him because he is out of his depth with all this child rearing stuff and he will start to wonder if those who have had ten children do not know more about it and maybe they are right and maybe being just himself will irrevocably damage his poor daughter’s psyche. (which is a modern take on things, of course, in 1870 nobody cared about a child’s psyche as long as they did whatever they were told to do.). 

So, in the end: he is confident where his magical abilities and technical hunting skills are concerned, up to a point where he feels no need to show them off at all. On the contrary. He likes to hold back how good he really is and have people underestimate him. Unlike Axl, who does like a touch of admiration. ;)

But he might believe the bullshit people tell him about his lacking social skills and suddenly being this overly awesome wizard doesn’t feel important when your child does not get the picket-fence-life everybody thinks a child needs to thrive. As I said, all of a sudden, what you are, your talents and abilities are suddenly only judged in whether they are good or bad for the child. And of course, everybody knows what is good or bad for your child! 

(I have random people I have never met before stop and tell me what I’m doing wrong with my dog. And expect me to be grateful for their advice. When I’m a certified dog trainer. Just in case you think this doesn’t happen to people with children and if it’s your first one and you are fighting anyway and feel like you might be doing things wrong, then this will at least feel like needles in your flesh). 

I’m pretty sure that’s something Izzy will never have considered when he agreed to this child-rearing-scheme.


End file.
